


Unlock My Heart

by dontfretbaby, serohtonin



Series: Unpack My Heart [3]
Category: Glee RPF
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, Blow Jobs, Hand Jobs, Infidelity, M/M, Romance, Shower Sex, alcohol use, alternative universe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-02
Updated: 2014-11-02
Packaged: 2018-02-23 15:15:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 32,352
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2552234
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dontfretbaby/pseuds/dontfretbaby, https://archiveofourown.org/users/serohtonin/pseuds/serohtonin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After a chance meeting in Italy four years ago, Chris and Darren spent six magical days together falling in love and finding themselves, but circumstances have kept them apart since. Now, Chris is on a successful book tour when a familiar face unexpectedly returns. How will he handle his past colliding with the present? How will this forever change his future?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is the third installment in the Unpack My Heart series, which is loosely based on the 'Before' film trilogy written by Richard Linklater and Kim Krizan.
> 
> [Britt](http://dontfretbaby.tumblr.com) and [Stacey](http://somethingdarrenish.tumblr.com) would like to thank our fabulous betas for tackling this insanely large fic. Kudos to [Alyssa](http://roblaine.tumblr.com/), [Mags](http://magsforya.tumblr.com/), [Ellie](http://broadwaydarren.tumblr.com) & [Christine](http://christinejaneanderson.tumblr.com/).

_Spring 2012_

From the City of Angels to the Sunshine State, Chris has been everywhere lately promoting his second novel, _The Land of Stories: The Wishing Spell._

Ten cities in ten days seemed like a feasible idea when his publishing team brought it to the table a few months ago. In the beginning, he had viewed book signings like shopping at the grocery store – agonizing yet manageable. However, his mindset changes sharply by the time the tour hits Chicago.

There’s a light at the end of the tunnel, but before Chris can get _too_ excited, his calendar reminds him of the flood of obligations he has in New York City to discuss his fourth book.

One would think his publisher would be happy that the third _Land of Stories_ novel was already in the editing stage.

Oh, no.

His team is aggressively on his case about what’s next, and the annoying offer that won’t just go away – a film adaption of his first novel, _Struck By Lightning._

The book somehow shifted from a pet production in his screenwriting class to winning some national writing contest in a flash. Then, the rough draft somehow got into the heads of his now-publisher (Chris knows one of his professors had something to do with it). That recognition did little when it came to his self confidence because honestly, he couldn’t see who would actually buy his book, besides his parents.

However, two weeks after it hit book shelves, his mom called him at two in the morning in tears with the news that it was number one on _The New York Times_ Best Seller list. 

The book review alone made him weep like a teenage girl watching _The Notebook_ for the first time.

So the movie deal is, of course, the next logical step for the brand, but Chris isn’t so sure. 

Unfortunately, he doesn’t have time to calculate how he’s going to get through the next few days because he has a rather vocal crowd that he can hear from the back of this bookstore to worry about.

A light voice speaks behind him, breaking Chris out of his thoughts. “This is the last one, boss. Don’t be nervous.”

Chris turns around and his brows knit. “Teresa, don’t call me that. We’re basically the same age.”

“Sorry, _Chris._ We’re going to start in ten minutes and there’s a nice crowd out there. I’ll come back and get you when it’s time.”

Chris nods at her, and then turns back to the mirror in front of him. 

His publisher advised him after the kind-of success of his first book that an assistant was just something that authors did. The idea made Chris extremely uncomfortable, and even after this book tour he still feels that way. But, to Teresa’s credit, she’s polite and very dependable, so at the end of the day it’s nice to have her around, especially when his life gets hectic.

His mouth upturns slightly because he still can’t get over how in the world he got to this phase in his life so soon, at such a young age.

On the outside, the stress of the last few years can be seen in his face in the most positive ways. His face is leaner, and his hair has twice the product than it did a year ago, especially with the added blonde streak. He's dressed fashionably in a gray tie that matches ever so perfectly to his blue button-down, and skinny black jeans that are three times tighter than any man should wear.

His publishing people were right about something else too – a stylist is a true blessing. 

Distracting Chris from his thoughts, his phone vibrates in his too tight pants and it’s a struggle to get it out.

“Hello?” he chokes out.

_“Just calling to check how my favorite best-selling author is doing on his nationwide book tour.”_

A light giggle escapes Chris’ lips. “Sweetheart, I’m the only best-selling author you know.”

_“Point taken, but it doesn’t discredit my reasons for calling.”_

Chris can’t help but get giddy when he hears his boyfriend laugh, which finally makes his nerves settle. Levi always finds a way to do that. 

The two had been seemingly inseparable since they became fast friends during college. They stayed like that for a solid year before they finally stopped kidding themselves and began dating.

Two years into their romantic relationship, Chris realizes it’s still one of the best decisions he’s ever made.

“Either way, your best-selling author boyfriend is doing just fine. Missing you though.”

_“I miss you too, but I’m keeping Brian happy while you’re away. He hasn’t given me the bitch stare today actually. I call that progress.”_

Levi and Chris adopted an eight-year-old cat before this book tour started. Chris didn’t say it out loud, but part of the reason he agreed to it was so Levi wouldn’t feel alone. 

“I am very happy to know he hasn’t tried to kill you in your sleep yet. You know how protective he can be.” Chris smiles, remembering Brian’s fierce attitude. “I hope he isn’t being too much trouble.”

Levi sighs. _“Stop that. He is_ our _cat, remember? This isn’t a hassle. He’s keeping me company at night, even though he still scratches me in my sleep.”_

“At least that’s better than me kicking you in my sleep. You’re moving up in the world, babe.” Chris hears Teresa whisper something to him about it being time. He nods in her direction. “Anyway, I have to go. Call you later tonight?”

_“Of course. I’ll be waiting. Love you.”_

“I love you, too.” Chris reluctantly hangs up.

He still wishes Levi would’ve agreed to go on this tour with him.

Chris stuffs his cell phone back into his pocket and gives his outfit one last glance before walking out of his dressing room with Teresa.

“Okay, we’re scheduled to do a thirty-minute question and answer session and then the signing,” Teresa instructs as bookstore security guides them to the front of the store. “You should get through everyone in an hour or so. Our flight to New York isn’t until seven p.m. so you’ll have time to get a bite to eat before then.” 

Nerves start to flare up again as he listens to her rattle off plans. All he wants to do right now is get through his last signing without making a complete fool of himself.

What could possibly go wrong?

**

Chris smiles and waves as he walks briskly past the crowd, his eyes scanning over the usual children with their parents and a few older teenagers and adults.

Despite the knowledge that the book is doing well, he's still amazed at the sheer volume of people waiting to see _him._

The question and answer period of these signings is always Chris’ favorite part, especially when those in attendance don’t ask the usual “when did you start writing?” questions. The worst is how his fingers start to cramp after signing book number forty-five

It’s worth it though. Chris loves hearing the kids tell him their favorite part of the books. Some of them remind him so much of himself.

After a pair of school teachers gush about using his book in their classrooms, Teresa whispers how much time is left and honestly, he doesn’t want it to end.

Chris hears the security guard call up the next person and he smiles reassuringly, as usual, but then his face falls.

He suddenly thinks he must be hallucinating, because as a man strolls to his table, book in hand, Chris squints, taking in his mop of dark curls and unmistakable hazel eyes. 

There’s no way it’s _him._

It has to be a guy who looks very similar. 

“Hello there,” Chris says quickly, trying to get his nerves together. “Thanks for coming.”

Taking the book out of his hands, Chris turns to the first page to sign. For some reason, whoever he thinks this guy might be still has him shaken, so he pauses with the blank page in front of him.

“I really enjoyed the book. I read it in one sitting actually.” The man’s voice is soft, and Chris is aware of the faint blush lurking across his cheeks.

“Well, I hope you liked the ending so it was worth it.” 

The man laughs and Chris’ heart clenches.

It can’t be.

It wouldn’t be him, not after all these years.

Chris looks up at him in shock. After a beat, the man grins, and Chris melts. The man with the warm eyes watches him for a few more moments, and his lips part, but he says nothing.

“So, um, who I should make it out to?”

“Next,” the security guard shouts.

Inhaling sharply, Chris holds his hand up to the guard to give them a moment.

Then, the man confirms Chris’ suspicion.

“D-Darren. Darren Criss,” he replies, voice shaking a bit.

_“Darren?”_ he murmurs questioningly.

Chris watches the man’s pupils dilate as he nods and his lips part again.

_Fuck._

“We gotta get the line moving, Chris,” Teresa pipes up.

After signing his name and addressing it to Darren, Chris narrows his eyes at her and whispers, “Pull him aside.”

Teresa does as she’s told, although Chris can see the uneasiness on her face. When _Darren_ walks away with her, his scalp prickles as he recalls the last few minutes.

_What the hell?_

Darren is here, and it’s safe to say that Chris is royally fucked.

Chris feels like his head is swimming. A small, vicious part of him fears he won’t pull himself together for the remainder of the signing as all the tension and anxiety concentrates within him.

Why would the man he met in Italy, whose name still tugs at his chest, show up to a children’s book signing when he didn’t even bother to return a phone call, let alone break the promise to meet Chris again?

He scoffs at the notion, returning to signing mode. He couldn’t care less. Darren didn’t show and that was the end of it. Chris is going to get through this signing, then have a brief conversation filled with pleasantries and catching up; Chris has never done well with either, but he’s pretty good at pretending he is.

In retrospect, Chris is actually still pissed at the way Darren kind of took his breath away just now. Maybe he should also let the curly-haired dork have it.

He pushes these thoughts to the back of his mind though as he signs the last few copies in a rush. Fans mill about the bookstore after every book is signed, and Chris takes a few minutes to take pictures and answer some more questions for those who stuck around until the end. At one point, Teresa whispers something to him about keeping things on schedule.

Leaning against the table, she reminds him, “Your, um, _visitor_ is in your dressing room, Chris. Are you gonna tell me who he is?”

“Someone I used to be very close with,” Chris answers quietly, staring down at his shaking hands.

“Are you okay?” Teresa wonders, a hint of concern in her voice.

Chris presses his hands against the table for leverage and stands up, a memory of his final night in Italy flashing in front of him, that of Darren’s head on Chris’ shoulder as he sang _“Come Away with Me,”_ right before they had stripped down and Darren had finally given him what he had longed for.

Chris’ heart skips a beat and he curses his stupid brain for recalling that moment.

“Of course. I’m fine,” Chris answers, after a too-long pause.

“We have a few extra minutes before we need to get going for dinner, if you wanna go talk to him.”

“Yes, please,” tumbles out of Chris’ mouth before he can even think about it.

Chris returns to the back room, and his breath whooshes out of him the moment he lays eyes on Darren again.

Darren is still rather trim, maybe even tinier than the last time Chris saw him, with just a hint of definition to his arms. Darren’s jeans hug his thighs a little tighter, too, Chris happens to notice.

He also notices that Darren’s hair is shorter and he has a bit of scruff on his face that Chris just wants to scratch at. 

Levi never goes more than two days without shaving.

Darren wears an uneasy smile on his face, unlike the one Chris had become so accustomed to seeing all those years ago.

His vulnerable reaction tugs at Chris’ heart and before he knows it, he tells him, “You look good.”

Darren stands up, his grin turning more mischievous as he glances up and down Chris’ frame. “I’d say the same, but I’d have to see you naked.”

Chris blushes and laughs despite himself. “You’re the worst.”

Darren winks. “Always.”

_Oh, shit._ He’s flirting, and Chris is flirting back.

He wonders what Levi would think of this reunion.

What Chris told him about Darren was very limited, so much so that Levi only knows that Chris’ first time was with some random guy in Italy; though Chris knew that Darren was much more than that, he couldn’t bear to rehash all the details of how important Darren had actually been, given the embarrassing and heartbreaking outcome of the situation.

It’s not like he still felt that way about Darren now, of course. That naive teenager who took a chance with his heart is long gone.

Chris decides bringing up Levi would do more harm than good, so he lets Darren embrace him tightly. 

“Hey,” Darren murmurs into Chris’ shoulder and pats him on the back.

“Hi,” Chris replies softly, inhaling deeply.

Darren still smells exactly like Chris remembers, like soap, sunshine, and _Darren_.

“It really is good to see you,” Darren says seriously as he pulls away.

“You, too.”

“How are you?”

“Pretty good. This is the last stop on the tour, so I can actually breathe for a moment before going on to the next thing.”

“Glad I could be part of your moment.” Darren smiles, and Chris’ heart stutters for a second.

“Of course.” Chris looks down shyly, but then quickly looks back up. “So, um, what brings you to Chicago?”

“I live here. I have for a quite while, actually,” Darren grunts out.

Chris’ eyebrows draw together in confusion. “Oh. Okay. What are you doing here now?”

“Ahh, ahh, ahh,” Darren chides. “You’re much more interesting than me.”

“I doubt that.”

“You are.”

“Yeah, I guess I am,” Chris smirks and shrugs.

“At least we agree on that much,” Darren chuckles, and Chris doesn’t miss the way Darren’s eyes trail down to Chris’ mouth.

Chris gulps. “I should go. They’ll be looking for me soon.”

“But we barely got to talk. C’mon, let’s sit and have a real chat.”

“When I said a moment, I really meant a moment.”

“Wait.” Darren reaches out but stops short of touching Chris. “Alex and Connor, eh?”

“You noticed.” Chris suddenly wants to close the gap between them. It feels like too much too soon, though, like it always does with Darren.

“Of course I did, Chris. Did you think I wouldn’t?”

“I didn’t think you would ever read it, honestly. I just-I still can’t even believe you’re freaking here. This is insane.”

Darren shoots him an incredulous glare that morphs into a frown as his hand falls back to his side, but before Chris can process what that means, Teresa pops in.

“Chris, we have to make our dinner reservation.”

Chris responds to Teresa without tearing his gaze away from Darren. “I’ll be there. Gimme another minute.”

He knows that she’s just interrupting to give him an out in case things with Darren were getting awkward. 

“Fine. Sixty seconds, but that’s it. I’m starving, plus the car is waiting for us,” she replies, slamming the door.

“Your assistant?” Darren asks, raising an eyebrow.

“Yeah. I didn’t want to, but--”

“Shit. You have an assistant. You’re really a big fucking deal, then.”

“Yeah, kinda. Maybe.”

Years ago, Chris would have been crumpling at Darren’s feet in a puddle; he isn’t affected in quite the same way now, but he is amazed by how at ease he still feels around Darren.

“Such a big deal that you can’t spare a meal with me? You must be at least as hungry as me. That was a pretty long line of people you signed books for. I mean, I would know. I was waiting in it.” He laughs.

“You didn’t have to wait in line for me, Darren.”

Darren steps closer, a sigh escaping his still-beautiful mouth. “Yes, I did, Chris.” 

Chris opens his own mouth to say something, but Darren speaks again.

“C’mon, you can’t leave Chicago without having deep dish pizza, man. Gio’s is the best in town. It’s where I take everyone who visits me.”

He shouldn’t, and he knows it.

What Chris _should_ do is get his overzealous behind in a town car with Teresa and listen to her rattle off about how much she misses her boyfriend of two months.

Maybe that’s not the best option, actually.

He also can’t refuse the hopeful look in Darren’s eyes, or his nagging curiosity about what Darren does and why exactly he bothered to talk to him after so long.

“Okay. I’ll go with you.”

“Great. Let’s go, Mr. Big Shot.”

**

While he and Darren walk toward the train station, Chris sends out a quick text to Teresa, telling her to book a later flight so he can stay and at least have a proper dinner before he’s back on the road again.

After some debating, she agrees and replies that they’ll stay one more night at the hotel and leave early in the morning.

“Okay. You have one night,” Chris announces, depositing his phone into his pocket. “Better make it good.”

“I intend to,” Darren says, low and flirty, nudging Chris’ shoulder.

Chris clears his throat, ignoring his stomach flipping traitorously. “So, a train station?”

“Can’t stay away from ‘em,” Darren laughs, his hands in his pockets. “Seriously, I take them, like, everywhere since I moved here. Ironic, huh?”

“You could say that.”

“We’ll wait here,” Darren tells him, stopping in middle of the platform.

Chris stands next to him silently, the only sound the wind whipping around them, until Darren pipes up.

“What did you think of me, the day you first saw me?”

Chris turns his head sharply, surveying Darren’s hesitant expression.

“Wh--? Really?”

“Yeah, really. After all these years, there are _tons_ of things I wanna know, and that’s one of them.”

Chris chuckles wryly, his eyebrows drawing together in confusion as he wonders about the other things Darren may want to know.

“Well, at first I thought, why the hell is this guy talking to me? He’s probably going to steal all my stuff.” Chris and Darren both bust out in laughter. “But after I realized you were probably a nice guy, I thought you were charming and good-looking, which again made me wonder why you decided to keep talking to me.”

“Because you were fucking fascinating. Still are. I had to know everything about you,” Darren returns quickly, his gaze burning into Chris.

“Wow, maybe my first instinct was right. Sounds a little creepy, Dare.”

The nickname flies out of Chris’ mouth unbidden, making Darren smile that huge, familiar grin that Chris remembers.

“Maybe, but I wasn’t wrong, and I’ve never regretted it for a second, Chris.”

Chris wants to shoot back with, _“Why didn’t you plan on showing up a year later, then?”_

But it feels wrong to bring it up now, when Darren’s expression seems tinged with sadness.

Before either of them can say anything else, the train stops in front of them, and Darren lets Chris step on ahead of him.

Then, they sit down.

“So, the naked thing, I was being an asshole. You know I would never--” Darren starts in a rush.

Another memory flows back to Chris, the morning after he and Darren first had sex.

They were both still naked and Darren had wrapped his arms around Chris’ waist and murmured, _“Hey, hey. You know I was only joking. Last night was special, right?”_

Chris had of course said yes, so now he says bittersweetly, “I know. That’s just how you are.”

“How do you know I haven’t changed?”

Darren stares straight at him, with such hurt filling those hazel eyes that used to seem so carefree.

Chris can’t help hurting, too when he finally answers back:

“You’re right. I don’t.”

Darren had never seemed like the kind of person who needed reassurance on that sort of thing, yet here he is, looking a bit like a nervous teenager asking his crush out on a date, rather than a confident twenty-something man.

It feels strange.

Then, Darren looks at him with something like anger, but he swallows it down and comments, “Y’know, you really do look good, Chris.”

“Thanks.” The compliment still sets off jitters inside of him.

“Even better than I remember.”

The jitters don’t stop so Chris goes to what he knows best – self-deprecation.

“Yeah, now that I finally lost all that baby fat.”

“Shut up. You were never fat. You were adorable.” Darren smiles at him fondly, and Chris’ heart decidedly does _not_ skip a beat. He plays along anyways. “I’m not adorable now?”

Darren licks his lips and the heat in his gaze is similar to the night they shared their first meal together. “No. I mean, yes, you are, but you’re also way hotter.”

“You are, too,” Chris tells him without thinking, but unlike his previous admission, he doesn’t regret this one.

He’s here with Darren alone now. What’s the hurt in having a little fun?

Surprise flashes across Darren’s face. “Thanks. You’re bolder than I remember. I like it.”

“Well, I’m not a kid anymore, Darren.”

The heat still doesn’t dissipate. “I know.”

Chris clears his throat. “Um, what stop do we get off at?”

“Relax. We’re almost there.”

Almost there actually translates to three more stops. In the meantime though, the conversation flows so naturally. Darren is as witty, cunning, and just plain ridiculous as ever.

However, Chris can’t ignore the fact that the conversation is completely one-sided. Every time Chris attempts to shift the conversation to Darren, he just pushes the topic away. Sure, in college he kept up with Darren, but in the last few years, he just hasn’t had the time.

It isn’t until they sit at what Darren proclaims as the best pizza joint in Chicago, Gio’s, that Chris finally gathers up the courage to say something more direct about it.

“Let’s talk more about what you’ve been up to, Darren,” he says after the waiter brings them their drinks. “Y’know, I feel like I talk about myself a lot these days. With this book tour and interviews, it’s all about me and I’m starting to feel like a little like Gilderoy Lockhart.”

“Dude, you and your Harry Potter references never cease to amaze me,” Darren snorts, choking a little still on his soda.

“I’m here to entertain,” Chris spouts back in his best British accent, and then switches back to his normal voice. “Narcissistic wizards aside, what’s been going on with you? You must be signed to a record label or something by now.”

Darren’s mouth flattens into a subtle frown.

“Nah, I’m still doing the musical theatre company that I started with my friends from college.”

Chris smirks. “Oh, yeah, is that related to the Harry Potter musical idea you had, where Draco is secretly in love with Hermione?”

“Yup.” Darren’s face relaxes again, and Chris takes a quiet sigh of relief. “We actually pulled it off somehow, by the way, and it was surprisingly really fucking successful. So much so that our company has really taken off. We’ve done about four productions since I graduated.”

It’s on the tip of Chris’ tongue to say that _A Very Potter Sequel_ wasn’t as good as the original, but he can’t.

That would only bring up more agonizing questions that he’s just not ready for yet.

“So, no solo stuff?”

“Well, I put out an EP a few years ago, just to test the waters, really.”

The fact that he’s being so calm, cool and collected about his success angers Chris just a tad. He knows his EP was more than just feeling out the situation.

Chris questions further. “I’m sure it garnered some attention from record labels.”

Darren takes a deep, audible breath sounding a little annoyed when he answers, “Yeah, yeah, it did. It’s just– it’s not as simple as just signing your name on the dotted line, Chris. My music is _everything_ to me, and I don’t want to risk some big fancy record exec compromising my sound.”

“Sounds like you’re scared.”

The moment that statement comes out of Chris’ mouth he automatically wants to reach out and shove the words back down his throat.

Darren raises his eyebrows, but then his shoulders slump and he sighs.

“You’re right.”

His comment downright derails Chris, the wretched expression on Darren’s face clobbering him in the stomach.

“I’m sorry.” Chris’ voice is bleak as his throat swells. _Fuck, when did this conversation get so serious?_ “I shouldn’t have said that. I’m an ass.”

“A _smart_ ass, yes.” The right side of Darren’s mouth does that twitch thing after he speaks and it always sends Chris into cardiac arrest.

“Smooth move, Mr. Criss. You still have a way with words.” Chris flushes, feeling foolish for the way Darren still makes him feel like _this_ and honestly, he doesn’t even know what _this_ is.

The pizza arrives soon after that and Chris couldn’t be happier. Hopefully, Darren will be less effective at charming his pants off when he’s stuffing his face with pizza.

Quite the contrary happens, though. Chris is sure Darren left a smidge of tomato sauce on the corner of his mouth on purpose. Every time he stares at it for more than a second, Darren smirks. 

In spite of his efforts, Chris doesn’t mention it once. In turn, Darren licks it off painstakingly slow, so much so that Chris literally shudders like a shock of electricity hit his spine. It’s unbelievably embarrassing, but there’s Darren with a sluggish, sexy smile, enjoying the show.

Chris narrows his eyes at Darren when he gives the waiter some cash after he brings the receipt. 

All of a sudden, this is starting to feel like a date.

The flirting. The glances. The _tension._

Guilt plagues Chris’ already expanding heart as he wraps his coat around himself and follows Darren out the door.

This is wrong, so fucking wrong and he knows it.

“So, are you actively auditioning for other stuff that isn’t with the theatre company?” Chris asks, thinking that if they go back to friendly conversation that his feelings of sin will disappear.

“Sometimes, but not much recently. I was on a few episodes of this TV show that got cancelled. I doubt you even heard of it,” Darren says, now leading Chris down a street that’s opposite of the way they came. “Maybe I’ve been waiting all this time for you to write an amazing script for me that will get me an Oscar nom. Hey, I could be the next Leo!”

“He hasn’t even won yet, Dare.”

“Hey, it’s an honor just to be nominated,” Darren chuckles, “and one day he’ll actually win one of those things. I have faith.”

The two continue walking for a few more moments before Chris inquires, “Where are we going? I should probably get back to my hotel, honestly.”

“Wait–no, y–you can’t,” Darren stutters, abruptly flustered. “You gotta at least see the main Chicago attractions. We can take a boat tour right around the corner. It’s less than a hour long. Then, I’ll walk you to your hotel, unharmed.”

Chris almost says, “What if I want to be harmed a little?” Instead, he answers:

“Okay, sure. Let’s go.”

Their destination is of course far from “right around the corner,” but once they get to Navy Pier on the Chicago shoreline, the little white lie is forgotten.

The infamous city wind, however, is running wild, and almost instinctually, Chris huddles close to Darren to avoid the impact as they step onto the boat. He frowns when that closeness with him ends as they sit.

“And over there is the Willis Building, but everyone still calls it the Sears Tower,” Darren spits out another random fact. “It’s the second tallest building in the world. If we had more time, I would totally take you up there.”

Chris’ stomach drops to his knees at the thought. “Oh God, no. I would need to take a Vicodin first.”

“Nah, man, it’s a must. I wish you had more time to enjoy my city.”

“You really love it here?”

“Totally,” Darren looks as if he wants to ask _‘is that even a question?’_ “I haven’t loved a city this much since Rome.”

A chill runs down Chris’ spine at the mere mention of the city where they fell in love so many years ago.

He shakes off the depressing memory and stares out at the light waves as dusk hits over Lake Michigan. No wonder Darren started a life here, he thinks. 

A life that doesn’t involve Chris, and probably never could.

Chris realizes the stinging pain running through him won’t go away. He learned a long time ago that prolonging the inevitable only leads to deeper heartbreak in the end.

The thought must’ve made him frown because Darren asks, “Hey, what’s the matter?”

His heart sinks and Chris knows that he has two outs: admitting he has a boyfriend, which could end their conversation altogether, or bringing up a topic that’s bound to result in profound sadness.

He grudgingly selects the latter.

“Darren, how did you know I would be in Chicago today?”

Chris can almost see Darren’s heart leap into his throat as he says, “I saw an ad for the signing a few weeks ago. Your picture was on it and I guess, I, uh, just wanted to see how you turned out.”

“And what do you think now that you saw?”

Darren stares at him, admiration, and maybe even something like love, filling his eyes. “You’re fucking brilliant, and stunning, exactly like I thought you’d be.”

An indescribable pain nags at Chris’ heart as tears prickle his eyes.

_Don’t cry. Don’t you fucking cry,_ he repeats to himself.

“I’m surprised you’d even care,” Chris whispers, his voice hoarse. “I mean, especially after you didn’t show up in Italy. I thought you forgot about me.”

Chris’ throat swells at the admission and he forces back a sob when Darren moves to sit beside him, his arm hanging on the back of the seats.

“What makes you think I didn’t show? You’re the one who never called me like you said you would.” Darren’s narrowed eyes are unreadable to Chris, which puts Chris on edge.

Chris takes a deep steadying breath, then stares at his shaking hands, unable to look at Darren any longer.

“I did call,” Chris starts, “and some drunk girl answered. I thought I dialed the wrong number and then I heard your voice in the background. You were obviously equally as shitfaced by the sound of your voice. Then,” Chris peeks up at Darren, keeping his tears at bay. “I heard what I assumed was kissing in the background and I - I panicked.”

Darren hesitates before reaching out to gently wipe a tear Chris didn’t know fell with his thumb, but he still doesn’t speak.

Chris feels just as helpless and heartbroken as when he was trying to get over this entire mess. Yet, he welcomes Darren’s touch.

“Did you call the night we talked about?” Darren finally says.

“Of course I did.”

“Fuck,” he whispers. “This is so fucking terrible. That night my friends threw me a welcome back party, one I didn’t want to have, by the way, and things got crazy, but I made a point to have my cell phone attached to me twenty-four-seven. I vividly remember checking it every five seconds.”

His story halts Chris’ tears.

“So, what happened then?”

“I was stupid. That’s what happened. I was keeping tally of my drink count all night so I wouldn’t be too drunk when you called, but I guess I had one shot too many. Next thing I know, I wake up the morning after next to my friend Meredith, and a shattered cell phone.”

Chris stays silent, wanting him to continue.

“According to the sober people in attendance, Meredith and I were wrestling with my phone at one point and I did kiss her in a distraction tactic to get it back.” Chris winces idiotically, at the idea of Darren kissing someone else. “Then she threw my phone and broke it completely. So, I guess that’s what you heard, but trust me, Chris, it wasn’t what you thought. I would never–I couldn’t have imagined doing that to you, after everything that happened in Italy.”

His head is spinning trying to keep up, and Chris wants to figure out if Darren is simply making this up.

“I don’t know what to say or what to believe, Darren.”

“Believe that I am telling you the truth,” Darren scoots closer to Chris. “I wanted to pick up right where we left off. I wanted that so bad that, despite not hearing from you, I still went to Italy like we planned because I just fucking _knew_ you would be there. And then…you weren’t.”

Chris narrows his eyes at Darren, reading through his lie. “No you didn’t go. I don’t believe you.”

“Yes, I fucking did,” Darren scowls back. “Wait, what makes you think I wasn’t there if you didn’t show up?”

His eyes brim with tears again when Chris realizes that he’s busted.

“After that hellacious phone call disaster, I was so upset with you for a long time, but then I was just curious so I Googled you.”

_“You Googled me?”_

“Yes, and every now and then I would get curious again and look you up. Let’s just say I felt _extra_ curious the day that we were supposed to meet. I knew you were over me, but I guess I had a pinch of hope, which promptly ran out when I saw you tweeted something about going to New York for the weekend. It was then that I realized I needed to stop being a stupid kid living in some fantasy where a guy like you is into someone like me.”

“I can’t believe this,” Darren whispers, and there are tears in his eyes, too. “I said that as a cover. I didn’t want my friends and my parents knowing I spent my graduation money to go to Europe on a whim. I was there, I swear to you.”

“What did you do while you were there, then?”

“I looked for you,” Darren answers quickly. “I never stopped looking.”

His honesty disarms Chris, and his compassion for Darren booms. Something deep inside him forces Chris to believe him. He should ask for some type of proof, but it’s obvious in the way Darren’s eyes well up as he’s speaking.

“I believe you now,” Chris says a little sadly, his voice low. “I’m sorry.”

“Me, too,” Darren replies just as somberly. “Why couldn’t you just talk to me, Chris?”

“I was so young, and so stupid. Part of me still couldn’t trust that you really cared about me and that I wasn’t some dumb experiment or fling for you.”

“How many fucking times did I tell you that you mattered to me?”

Chris becomes silent for a few moments as the boat steadily sails on, and he feels Darren’s hand on his knee.

“Too many,” Chris finally answers. “You didn’t leave me, even when I thought you would.”

“Exactly. I couldn’t. You meant more to me than any other person I’d been involved with, so when I said I’d show up, I fucking meant it, because when you--when you care about someone, you do everything you can to hold on to them.”

“Like going to their book signing after four years of not speaking to them?”

“Yeah, and enduring weird looks from twelve-year-olds and their mothers.”

Chris laughs through his drying tears, and he wonders how he could’ve doubted Darren’s feelings all those years ago.

“You--you didn’t hate me for not being there?” Chris asks him, weighing the conversation back down again.

“I sorta did. I wondered if you were even real actually, or if I imagined the whole damn thing. I was also kind of worried that something terrible happened. But then, I was pissed at you because there was no other way for me to know for sure. I had no way of finding you, until now.”

Darren’s hand on Chris’ knee feels as if it’s burning him up; he wants to tell Darren pull away but at the same time, Chris wants more.

“Darren, I--” he starts, about to explain that he’s happy with his boyfriend, and their cat, but for some reason, he can’t. “I can’t even begin to reiterate how sorry I am. I was such an idiot.”

“We were both idiots. Can we just leave it at that and have some fun while you’re still here?”

“Yeah, I’d like that.”

Chris smiles at him, and Darren smiles back, warm and huge, the way he had in Italy that first day on the train.

Chris didn’t realize how much he had missed it until now.

“What else do you wanna show me, Darren?”

“A lot,” Darren whispers, his face so close that Chris could just lean in and--

Then, Chris’ phone vibrates loudly in his pocket. 

“Shit,” Chris curses under his breath. “I have to take this.”

Darren sighs and pulls away, and Chris is sort of thankful for the interruption.

Teresa’s calling, so Chris picks it up.

“Hello?”

_“Are you back at the hotel yet?”_

“No, I’m still out.”

_“Well, you better get back and catch some sleep, ‘cause I rescheduled the flight for 6 a.m.”_

Chris looks down at his watch and it’s almost 9 p.m.

He hates early morning flights.

“Okay. I’m on my way.”

Then, Chris hangs up and explains that he should go.

“So soon? I can walk you back to your hotel, if that’s okay with you.”

Chris vaguely remembers a bridge in Rome, how he could barely hold his liquor, and Darren so graciously walked him to his hotel.

“Yes, that is very okay. Still a gentleman, I see,” Chris tells him.

Darren grins and the boat stops. “Most of the time. Where are you headed?”

Chris informs him of the address, and then stands up, a little shaky on his feet.

“Guess I don’t have my sea legs quite yet. That’s what happens when you don’t grow up near water.”

“Here, let me.” Darren steps out of the boat first and then offers his hand to Chris. “Oh, really? I don’t think you ever told me where you grew up.”

Darren pulls Chris out of the boat, one of Darren’s hands clutching Chris’ and the other resting on the small of the Chris’ back to steady him, like it had so many years ago.

Chris can’t deny the flush on his cheeks as he carefully steps onto the pavement.

“Thank you. You mean you didn’t Google it after you saw my name on the poster, Dare?”

“I’m sure it was in there somewhere, but I didn’t memorize everything.”

Chris looks at him and smirks, trying to hide his mild annoyance when Darren lets go of him.

“What?” Darren questions while they start walking. “You admitted to Googling me. I had to see if it was really you. You looked so...different.”

“Good different, so I’ve gathered.”

“Very good different,” Darren says, his flirtatious lilt returning. “I, on the other hand...” he trails off.

“You cut your hair.”

“I was waiting for you to bring that up,” Darren laughs with a full smile. “I still miss the ‘fro sometimes, but it was getting to be kind of a pain in the ass.” Darren looks up at him wistfully when they cross the street. “I remember you didn’t want me to.”

“I don’t mind the new ‘do, actually.”

They stop at the corner and Darren smiles again.

“Thanks, Chris. So, if this is the last stop, where are you rushing off to?”

“I have some meetings in New York, actually. I can’t really talk about it yet, since it’s still in the works.”

“Is it about ‘Struck by Lightning’?” Darren shoots back. “Because that would be really cool. I may or may not have heard something about that in my research.”

Chris stops in his tracks right before they turn a corner, amazed that Darren would remember a detail like that. “Wow. I, um. Wow. I really can’t talk about it, but it might be related to that.”

“Insider information, yes!” Darren exclaims as he starts walking again. “That’s the kind of stuff you find out when you have a famous best-selling author as a-a friend.”

“Yeah, I suppose so,” Chris remarks with a shrug and follows him, wondering how different that descriptor of their relationship would be if Chris had gone back to Italy three years ago.

“The perks of knowing you only seem to grow over time.” Chris shifts uncomfortably. Then Darren nudges his shoulder and asks, “What’s wrong? You’ve got the world at your fucking feet. Turn that frown upside down.”

“I know. I’m good. Everything’s good. It’s just--I wish we had more time.”

They stop at another street corner as traffic races by.

“Maybe we will, now that you know where I live, you hotshot author.”

“Yeah, but there’s never enough time. Not really, y’know?”

_Not when it comes to you,_ Chris thinks.

Darren smiles again, but it doesn’t reach his eyes. “Yeah, I do.”

Then, the cars stop and while they cross the street, Chris avoids saying anything more. They only walk a few more feet, pausing in front of what Chris recognizes as his hotel.

“You could stay,” Darren suggests, stuffing his hands in his pockets as he shifts from foot to foot. “Just for another day or two. I mean, if you’re that desperate to hang out with me.”

Chris studies Darren’s face, and he seems almost shy again.

It’s kind of cute.

“Sadly, I am.” Chris grins. “I could push the meeting back, I guess.”

“Or you can cancel. You deserve a break, man. You’re just coming off a whirlwind book tour.”

Chris debates it in his head for a moment; he had been looking for an excuse to get out of negotiating a movie deal for _Struck_ anyway, because he honestly cared more about his creative vision than any monetary benefit he’d receive from such a deal.

He didn’t want to sign away all the rights to someone else just yet, and he didn’t feel like fighting over it.

This could be the perfect escape.

“That’s a great idea, Darren. If they want me, they’ll have to work around _my_ schedule.”

“Damn straight.”

“I’ll let my assistant know. That way, she can leave if she wants.”

Darren raises an eyebrow and steps closer. “So I’ll have you all to myself?”

Chris swallows. “Yeah, it seems so. I should, um, go talk to her now. It’s late.”

“Guess I should jet, too. I have, um--Well, I don’t have any plans to cancel.” Darren chuckles. “But I’ll see you tomorrow. Say, right here, eleven am?”

“Sure. Sounds good.”

Darren smiles, then shakes his head. “Wait, we aren’t doing this again. Gimme your phone.”

Chris shutters at his demanding tone, but hands over his phone and it appears Darren is putting his number in. 

_This is real._

“Here,” Darren says giving Chris back his phone. “You have my number and I texted myself from it so we have no excuses.”

“Good,” Chris laughs.

Darren is standing far too close to him again, his breath hot against Chris’ mouth. Chris’ chest feels tight with anticipation, and perhaps a bit of fear, but then Darren whispers, “Good night, Chris,” before clearing his throat and pulling away.

“Night,” Chris whispers back.

Darren smiles at him again and spins on his heel before walking away.

Chris heads up to his room and notices one missed call and two missed texts, from Levi.

_Hey, how’s your flight?_

_You’re still on your way to NYC, right?_

Chris knows he hasn’t done anything wrong, yet the guilt still hits him hard, so instead of calling, he texts back:

_Got a little tied up here, actually. I ran into an old friend and we had dinner._

Levi replies promptly:

_Sounds nice :) Miss you._

As he steps onto the elevator, Chris smiles and tells Levi:

_Miss you, too. Love you. Don’t forget to feed Brian._

_Already did, babe. Talk to you soon,_ Levi answers.

Chris sighs in frustration; he truly does miss Levi.

So why does staying here with Darren feel so right?

**

Chris wakes up smiling, much like the morning after he invited Darren to stay with him in Italy. Of course, then, Chris had come to alone and worried, until he saw the note that Darren had prepared a romantic breakfast (he thinks that note might still be buried somewhere in his drawer back home). 

Fuck, he shouldn’t feel like this, excited to embark on a new adventure with another man while he has one waiting at home for him. But it’s not just another man - it’s _Darren,_ who he gets to catch up with again after so long, and who _doesn’t_ hate him despite what had happened.

It’s innocent, right?

Chris shakes it off and gets ready.

He’s glad Teresa didn’t ask too many questions before she left. After agreeing to pay for Teresa’s flight home and her lost wages, she didn’t need to put up a fuss. 

Chris arrives in his hotel lobby nearly twenty minutes before the time Darren suggested, not wanting another repeat of Italy. To his surprise, he spots Darren pouring himself a cup of coffee at the free breakfast bar.

Stepping up behind him, he says, “You don’t drink coffee.”

Darren nearly jumps out of his skin, spilling some of the brown liquid on the floor. Chris lets out a chuckle.

“Damn it! C’mon, you gotta warn a dude before you walk up behind him.”

Chris continues laughing, now at how flustered he gets when he’s nervous – one of Chris’ favorite little Darren tics.

When he does finally stop giggling, he apologizes. “Sorry, I was just so shocked by you drinking coffee that I couldn’t help myself. Guess some things have changed.”

When Darren lays one of his shy smiles on Chris, he can’t help but squirm a little.

_Too early to be melting._

“Not everything has changed. I still don’t like coffee. We were all out of Red Bull at the house and I–I just couldn’t sleep last night so I need a pick-me-up.”

A warm feeling hits his stomach at the notion that Darren probably couldn’t sleep because of _him._ He would never ask if that were true, though.

“Does it still taste terrible?” Chris asks, grabbing himself a bagel.

Darren takes a sip, and then chokes it down. “God, it’s awful as ever, but gotta fight it. Need the caffeine. You ready to go?”

“Show me your city,” Chris says simply, as his insides squeal like a teenage girl.

**

His belly is doing a rather intense gymnastics routine by the time they hit their last stop of Darren’s “must-see” tour. They’re on the elevator at the Willis Building, and Chris is on the verge of fainting when they pass the fiftieth floor.

Despite that, he needs to keep his cool around Darren. He’s spent the day trying to show Darren that he’s more mature than he used to be. Chris isn’t sure why he finds it so important to impress him, but he does.

“This is going to be so much fun!” Chris shouts, totally overdramatically, causing the couple in front of them to turn around and give him an odd look.

Darren smiles grasping his shoulder. “Calm down. You’re gonna love it. We gotta get a picture of you out on The Ledge.”

_The Ledge?_

Chris gulps, swallowing down all of his leftover confidence.

The elevator stops on the 103rd floor, and when they get out Chris feels like he’s walking on a cloud. He can see the tops of almost every building in the city. Darren doesn’t give him much time to fawn over the view. Instead, his focus is on the sharp spark in his heart when Darren links their arms to show him around.

It feels so familiar that it frightens him. He mulls over how easy it was to fall for Darren the first time. His chest heaves, trying to keep the consequences and regret of the situation in the back of his mind.

“They say that on a clear day, you can see all four surrounding states from here,” Darren comments, pulling them into the line for The Ledge.

Chris’ inner thoughts tell him that if he just keeps talking that the fear will go away.

“You seem to really love this place. Next, you’re going to tell me that this is, like, your favorite place to write songs or something equally Darren-like.” Chris laughs, then he realizes he’s laughing alone. _Oh no._ “Darren, you totally write here don’t you?”

Darren unhooks their arms and takes a step forward in line, pouting.

Yes, pouting like a three-year-old.

It’s precious.

“I’m sorry, Dare,” Chris smiles more at how the nickname slips again. “I just guess it proves I still know you.”

“And _I_ still know _you.”_ Darren’s lips curl in a wry smile. “I know that you’re scared shitless to get on this ledge. You wanna know how I know?” Darren doesn’t even give him a chance to answer before saying, “I know because whenever you’re nervous about something, you bite your lip constantly, like you’re doing right now.”

Chris remembers Darren’s love for his lip biting so naturally, he attempts to be sexy and sets his bottom lip free. By the way Darren fidgets, it obviously works. Then just like that, they are tethered to each other.

“I also,” Darren purses his lips, then walks forward, no longer looking at Chris. “I also remember how you don’t play fucking fair.”

Chris smirks at his accomplishment relishing that he can still get to Darren. Old Chris would’ve curled up in a ball in terror.

Those familiar jitters return with a vengeance though, as the pair in front of them walks onto the ledge. When they walk off, Chris notices their legs shaking.

_Dear Lord._

“C’mon, Colfer.” Darren holds out his hand while Chris looks at him, dazed. “You ready?” he says again, jutting his head to one side, a charming look on his face. When Chris doesn’t respond, he pulls him onto the ledge.

_“Darren,”_ Chris says in a low voice, then shuts his eyes. “I can’t look.”

“Don’t be silly,” Darren begins running his fingers up and down Chris’ arm, surprising him. “Chris, it’s beautiful. Just look.”

Begrudgingly Chris does open his eyes, and what is before him is two of the most beautiful sights he’s ever seen.

Of course, the view of the Chicago skyline is breathtaking, but so is Darren. He’s giving Chris the sweetest smile, his eyes glowing with tenderness. Chris grins back at him goofily.

“Wow,” Chris exclaims, suddenly feeling silly that he made such a big deal out of it. He takes a step forward on his own and takes in the view.

It really is stunning; no wonder Darren feels inspired here.

“Let’s take a picture,” Darren holds out his cell phone at arm’s length. As Chris leans in and smiles, he can’t help breathing in the intoxicating scent of Darren’s cologne.

Walking off the ledge, Chris misses the feel of Darren’s hand on his. 

Darren smiles softly. “That wasn’t so bad, was it?” 

“It went much better than I thought.”

“Have you always been afraid of heights?”

“Yeah, pretty much.”

“So, um, why did you agree to meet up with me again on top of a bell tower?” Darren wonders with a chuckle.

Chris notices that Darren’s still smiling, albeit weakly, and he thinks of Darren waiting for him, all alone on the _Campanile di San Marco,_ that bright, hopefulness he always carries slowly fading as the sun went down and Chris didn’t show.

Chris’ stomach twists with more anxiety, but certainly not because he’s hundreds of feet in the air.

“I guess I thought I could overcome it with you,” Chris finally answers.

Darren’s mouth flattens into a hard line and then he replies, “Well, this building is probably not a good place to start conquering it, but I have to ask anyway. Did you get any closer to that goal?”

“Yeah, I think I’m getting somewhere. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. Glad I could assist you,” Darren responds, his grin returning.

“More than you know,” Chris tells him, realizing that Darren has always encouraged him to face his fears, whether it’s visiting a tall building, continuing to write his stories, or falling head over heels for the first time.

For almost every challenge, Darren has been there, his presence in Chris’ life a precious gift that Chris doesn’t want to take for granted ever again.

Darren studies Chris’ face and asks, “You alright? You look a little paler than usual.”

“Yeah. I’m just happy we’re doing this.”

“Me, too,” Darren smiles. “You wanna grab a bite? That is, if you’re not too sick of me yet.”

He almost takes Darren’s hand again, but then he thinks it might seem too couple-y, and doesn’t want to give Darren the wrong idea.

“Of course not,” he says instead, not touching Darren at all, despite how wrong it feels to be near him and not _touch._

“Lead the way, Dare.”

**

Darren takes him to a food truck called Tamale Spaceship in Grant Park, which he swears is “the best fucking Mexican food in the States, outside of California, of course.”

“SoCal does have some pretty fantastic taco places,” Chris remarks while they sit on a bench and unwrap their food.

“You are absolutely right, good sir,” Darren agrees around a mouthful of empanada. “How did you like school there?”

“Honestly, I was just excited to get out of Clovis. The first few months were hard, but then I started to make friends and get to know people and it was great.”

“Right,” Darren nods, a question in his eyes. “So are you, uh, seeing anyone special right now?”

Chris is wound tight, and Darren’s eyes are dancing as if he’s trying to stake claim to Chris’ heart. 

He’s clearly fishing. 

Feeling another paradigm shift, Chris takes a deep breath. He’s rode this wave of uncomplicated wonder for as long as he could. It’s time to come clean.

“Actually, I am. His name’s Levi. He’s a freelance writer. We were friends in college. He kind of always had a thing for me, but I ignored it for a long time. Finally, after I went on a few dates with other people, I realized that I could have something with this really amazing guy who was right there all along. Funny, huh?”

“Real riot,” Darren replies, flatly.

It’s getting awkward and Chris knows it, but he just can’t stop talking. The floodgates are already wide open.

“You know, I thought that once I went to college and got out of my small town that there would be so many people I would connect with. Turns out that wasn’t so true. I guess real, honest connections are pretty rare,” Chris says contemplatively, staring straight ahead. 

“Yeah, and you can screw them up pretty easily, misconnect or whatever.”

Chris looks over at him in confusion. “Did you just say misconnect? That’s not even a real word.”

“You don’t know. It could be.”

“Darren, I have a degree in English.”

Darren tilts his head in consideration, another one of Chris’ favorite little tics, and then shrugs. “Point taken, but I think you understand what I mean, given everything with us, y’know?”

“Yeah.” Chris sighs, and shifts the focus to Darren, suddenly curious about his romantic history. “How about you? Are you with anyone?”

Darren gulps down some more food and takes a slurp of his soda before answering. “Not right now, no. I mean, not anymore. I just got out of a relationship.”

“Was it serious?”

“Eh, yes and no. We dated for a long time, and I checked out for most of it. I kinda got distracted by other things and I didn’t make her a huge priority, which she didn’t mind, but I knew it wasn’t working for a while,” Darren confesses, a lack of anguish in his voice.

Chris picks up that Darren said _her_ and cringes a little. He starts to wonder if he’s been with any other guys since him or it was just a one time thing.

Was he just some college experiment?

“Did you love her?” Chris asks instead.

“No,” Darren answers quickly. “I think she knew that, but I don't wanna talk about her. Life’s too short to talk about things that don’t matter anymore.”

Chris wonders what had happened between them for Darren to refer to her with such a lack of emotion.

Then Chris contemplates asking if that means that _he_ matters to Darren. After all, Chris is still here with him, even if Darren is shifting away from him and avoiding his gaze.

Chris is about to express his concern over all this, but he’s unsure if he could handle the truth either way.

Thankfully, Darren’s phone rings, saving him.

“Shit,” Darren curses, then answers. Chris hears him mumble something to whoever is on the other end and it’s obvious he’s in a rush. He hangs up quickly then says, “I’m supposed to meet some friends tonight. There’s this bar we always go to that has Open Mic night. D’ya wanna come?”

“Um, sure,” Chris tells him, suddenly nervous that he may be about to meet some of the Starkid gang he’s secretly watched on YouTube over the years.

More importantly, they're Darren's friends and they matter to Darren, so for some reason, they matter to Chris, too.

“Are you gonna play any cool new stuff?”

“Maybe,” Darren shrugs, noncommittally.

“What? You have to! I’ve missed it,” Chris admits quietly.

Darren raises his eyebrows and then smiles. “Yeah? We’ll see.”

Chris scrunches his eyebrows in confusion; normally Darren’s so eager to play anything.

**

Darren’s friends don’t get it, either.

“Dude, you’re right,” Joey says to Chris, after they’ve all had a round of drinks. “Usually I can't get him to _stop_ singing. In the shower, while he’s eating. He even sings in his fucking sleep sometimes.”

“Hey, lay off. He just broke up with his girl recently.” Joe Walker chimes in to defend Darren, who’s sandwiched between Joey and Chris.

“Yeah, like two weeks ago, and he wasn’t even that into her,” Lauren adds. “Because when you get over someone, you tend to sing about it, Dare, like that time right after we graduated when you--”

“Okay, I think we need another round. Maybe shots first?” Darren interrupts. “Can you handle it, Colfer?”

Chris stares at him, wondering what story Lauren was about to tell, but maybe he can question her later.

Now it’s time to party, and to further prove to Darren how much he’s grown.

“I’m not eighteen anymore, Darren,” Chris reminds him. “I know how to hold my liquor.”

“Oooh, sounds like a challenge,” Meredith says. “The gauntlet has been thrown.”

“Fine. You’re on,” Darren tells Chris, and turns to everyone. “You’re all on.”

They do a round of shots, and then beer, and then more shots.

Once Darren had briefly introduced Chris to everyone, he discovered that Darren’s friends are as fun and open-minded as he imagined.

They also love making Darren feel as uncomfortable as possible at any given moment, so a pleasantly buzzed Chris decides to regale the group with a story about their time in Italy.

Chris wonders how much they actually know about he and Darren, but he starts anyway.

“So, he ended up saving us from the _worst_ singer in the world when his set started. He was a little late, of course, because my ears were already fucking bleeding, and I thought they’d continue to bleed. I totally thought the time he sang before that was a fluke and he would suck so bad, but then,” Chris stares dreamily into space, “he sat down at the piano and played some old-school song and it was magical.”

“And then you fell in love, right?” Meredith asks him, sighing just as dreamily.

Maybe they know everything?

Maybe they don’t.

The idea of Chris being just another one of Darren’s college experiences flashes through his mind. It stings a little.

Chris looks at Darren and shrugs, suddenly feeling every bit like the insecure teenager he was when they met.

Thankfully Joe changes the subject before Chris can answer. “Please, no details. I already know too much about Darren’s sex life. I still have to bleach my brain periodically because of the Chocolate Sauce Incident of Freshman Year.”

“Chocolate sauce?” Chris wonders, his mind suddenly drawn to what _they_ could’ve done with the substance.

“That was pretty fucking awesome, if I remember right,” Darren says with a grin.

Chris wants to smack Darren’s forearm to chide him. Why would he talk about sex with someone else while he’s _right_ next to him?

Wait, why does Chris care? He has a steady boyfriend, who is _not_ Darren.

Levi, who Chris lives with, and is completely happy with, thank you very much.

Even so, he can’t help recalling what Darren looks like naked, and wondering if he’s changed at all since then.

Levi. Boyfriend. Levi.

Chris forces himself to snap out of it.

He has a few more vodka tonics, causing his blood to delightfully buzz through his veins. It’s then that he notices Darren warmly smiling at him in a way that makes his heart twist. 

He sends a quick goodnight message to Levi and shuts his phone off. He doesn’t think he could handle his boyfriend wondering and worrying about him.

Then Joey has the bright idea that they should make a game out of getting drunk. Chris learns quickly that the rules of the game are that everyone at the table must buy a round of a shot of their choosing. 

By the time it’s Chris’ turn to buy the round, Chris feels fuzzy and struggles to his feet. Those four shots that Joe, Joey, Lauren and Meredith bought before him were more intense than he thought.

“I’m going to go to the bathroom,” Darren announces, standing up as well and grabbing Chris’ arm to steady him.

He wants to wrench himself out of Darren’s grasp, but he remembers how horrible he had felt stumbling to his room in Italy, alone, after a particularly nasty fight with Darren.

Chris had screwed up then, flirting with other people the entire night when he all he wanted was Darren’s arms.

He still wants them now, even if, once again, he’s made himself completely unavailable.

Yet, Darren is here, offering himself anyway, so Chris stops fighting it and relaxes into his touch.

“Thank you,” Chris whispers when they get to the bar.

Darren gives him that trademark lopsided grin and Chris feels his heart melt a little more. 

“Of course!” Darren comments. “Plus, I thought we could do a shot, just the two of us. Y’know, for old time's sake or whatever.”

Before Chris has time to respond either way, Darren shouts something at the bartender and is holding two pint glasses with a dark liquid inside. Chris holds it up to his nose to sniff, and then smiles.

“Vegas bombs, really?”

Darren looks impressed. 

“You know what–? Awesome!” Darren holds up his glass. “Cheers.”

They clink glasses and Chris thinks that he hasn’t felt anything like this in years. Despite the change in location, the atmosphere surrounding them feels exactly the same, tinged with excitement and adrenaline. It’s terrifying, yet exhilarating, which is what he loves most about being back in Darren’s orbit.

Yes, loves.

He lets his tipsy mind allow that thought for now.

**

This is the greatest night Chris has had all year.

Okay, he’s exaggerating. Having a best-selling book was pretty fucking spectacular, but this night is up there.

Chris is way past tipsy, the idea of consequences the furthest thing from his mind. Darren’s also magnetic apparently. Chris can’t keep his hands off of him. He’d been itching to touch him since yesterday, so now that alcohol bolsters his system, he just can’t stop.

His friends don’t acknowledge their interaction with any thought at all, which is encouraging to Chris. They don’t seem surprised at all that another person of the male persuasion is all over Darren.

Darren, however, is currently trying to be respectful and keep his distance. 

It’s a bit aggravating, but it also kind of makes him want Darren even more.

Chris boldly clutches his thigh under the table when Darren finally warns, _“Chris.”_

“You should sing,” Chris encourages, and then whispers in Darren’s ear, “C’mon, sing for me.”

Darren breathes heavily, his hand covering Chris’ where it rests on Darren’s thigh.

“If you’re gonna make out with him or something, please do it somewhere I can’t see,” Joe tells Darren. “I’m not drunk enough to forget it yet.”

“No one is making out with anyone,” Darren says, looking at Joe, and then at Chris, “and I’m not singing.”

“Well, one of those things should happen. Time for more shots!” Lauren whoops, and they all agree, with Chris emphatically nodding.

They all do another round, Darren’s hand shaking as he slams the glass down.

Chris rubs Darren's thigh soothingly. “What’s wrong, Dare? If you really don’t wanna sing, it’s okay.”

“Nah, I’m cool. I'll do it.”

Darren shakes Chris’ hand off. “Someone has to save us from the freedom of musical expression known as Open Mic Night,” Darren announces to their table.

When Darren is out of earshot, Joey leans over to Chris and whispers, “Be careful. He’s fucking crazy about you.”

Chris perks up a little at Joey’s insight. Maybe _something_ is still there.

Chris swallows and thinks he might need another drink. He might need to scale back on the flirting, too, but it’s _Darren._

Before he can think on it any further, Darren takes the stage, sitting in front of the piano and introducing himself.

“Hi, guys. I’m Darren, as some of you regulars may or may not know.”

A few people say hello back to him, and Joe shouts, “We know. Just sing a damn song!”

_“Anyway,”_ Darren continues, “I’m gonna sing an original song that I’m debuting tonight. Feel free to tune out if you’d like.”

He starts to play the opening notes and then he sings, _“The end never seemed like it was good enough. Two little words seem too small…”_

“No fucking way,” Joey mutters under his breath as Darren sings on.

_“What about the way our fable wasn’t fiction? It was real to you, it was real to me. So, maybe our love was a lovely contradiction. We were never sure of what we were, but we knew we could never be.”_

Chris’ mouth opens wide, echoing Joey’s sentiment, and Chris wonders if those lines have anything to do with him. Did Darren think they were doomed from the start?

He also sings about _“one more thing that used to have my heart,”_ so how could he still have feelings for Chris?

Maybe it’s not about him at all, maybe it’s just about the success of Starkid and Darren’s creative struggle with the record companies.

Yeah, it has to be.

_“Well, that bridge has burned away,”_ Darren sings with such fire in his voice, focusing his gaze straight at Chris. _“And now it’s just one more part for the storybook…”_

However, that continued reference to storybooks and “once upon a time” couldn’t be an accident, because Chris knows that when writing, most of the time, these things are deliberate.

_“Back to the start, back to your heart, to that once upon a time. C’mon, bring it all back to once upon a time,”_ Darren finishes to cheers from his friends and the rest of the crowd alike.

Meanwhile, Chris is silent as he watches Darren depart the stage, Darren’s smile falling away.

“What the hell? He’s usually up there for way more than one song,” Joe comments.

“He’s been working on that for weeks. Maybe he wanted to let it speak for itself,” Joey returns, glancing over at Chris.

Chris swallows uneasily, noticing Darren heading straight to the bar.

“I think it was beautiful,” Lauren says. “Imagine how it’ll sound with a big ensemble behind him. The closing number on his solo tour.”

Joe raises his eyebrows and chokes on a sip of his beer. “What? You have him moving on from us already?”

“Relax. He won’t forget us or anything. That’s the whole point of the song,” Meredith reasons.

“I think you’re missing the point a little. It’s also about lost love, and wondering about what might have been,” Lauren explains, and then gasps. “What if it’s about me?”

“In your dreams, Laur,” Joey tells her. “Darren would never--”

“Would never what?” Darren asks, sitting back down in his seat.

Chris notes the serious look on Darren’s face, and coupled with Lauren’s interpretation, which seems like it’s not far from the truth, he’s pretty sure it _is_ about him.

He has to be the only one at the table that Darren has that kind of history with.

“Don’t you wonder what could’ve been with us, Darren?” Lauren teases, reaching her hand across the table toward Darren. “That’s why you sang that song tonight, didn’t you? You wish we had some illicit love affair, but sadly, our time has passed, right?”

“I thought you were done getting high, Lauren, or are you just super wasted? How many shots have you had since I left?” Darren laughs, squeezing her hand.

“Enough to know that what I just said is probably not true, but a girl can dream.” Lauren sighs, slipping her hand away from Darren’s. “Especially since one of us here has already had intimate relations with you, and it’s not me.”

Chris blushes.

Darren’s friends probably know the most about him, and if they think it’s about Chris and lost love, then maybe Chris’ thoughts during the performance were right.

“More shots?” Chris suggests to break the tension.

“My thoughts exactly,” Darren agrees. “Why don’t we take this back to the house?”

Meredith winks at Darren exaggeratedly. “Uh huh. Trying to close the deal, I see.” “I’m taken,” Chris quickly remembers.

Joe pointedly glares at Chris. “Could’ve fooled me with the way you’ve been hanging all over Darren.” Joe downs more of his beer and continues. “I’ve been trying not to notice, but it’s pretty damn obvious.”

Darren looks at Chris and licks his lips, and then turns back to everyone else. 

“Please, you guys, that’s in the past. Chris is just catching up with me.”

“Yeah, okay. That’s why you brought him _here,_ to _‘catch up’_ with us, your friends that he’s never met before,” Joe reasons.

Chris wants to roll his eyes at him, but he narrows them instead, sighing thickly.

It’s going to be a long night.

**

Levi dragged Chris to a lot of parties in college, and he thought taking Jell-O shots filled with Everclear instead of vodka was as crazy as it got.

_Oh, no._

Chris is about to attempt his first keg stand.

“What have I gotten myself into?” he mumbles under his breath.

Darren is, of course, the ringleader of it all with the handheld beer tap in hand forcing cheap beer down his friends’ throats.

This is far from what he imagined doing this evening, and he kicks himself for not dressing more casual. He takes off his jacket, then unbuttons the sleeves of his button down to roll them up.

“Your first time is always scary,” Lauren shouts over the noise of the group.

Chris wants to laugh at the statement for all the wrong reasons. He wants to say, “My first time was far from scary, thank you very much.”

“Okay, if you’ve had a book on _The New York Times_ Best Seller list, you’re next!” Joey says, causing the group to burst in laughter.

Blushing a little, Chris shrugs his shoulders and steps up in front of the keg. Darren is giving him his consoling eyes, and he knows Darren is secretly asking if he really wants to do this.

“I’m ready.” Chris says.

Joey, Joe, Darren, and Meredith’s boyfriend are standing around the keg in position and Chris says a silent prayer before he’s being lifted up. He hears the room count to three, then Darren releases the valve and ice cold beer hits his throat.

It tastes disgusting, honestly. As Darren counts, Chris feels his head spinning. He knows he should give the hand signal to put him down, but something deep inside of him wants to prove to Darren, and his friends that he’s more than they think.

Chris has always been like that.

It’s not until Darren gets to thirteen that Chris double taps on the keg and his feet finally reach the floor. He stumbles, but thankfully Lauren is behind him to catch up with a backwards hug.

“Oh my god, you beat my score, you jerk!” she shouts.

Once his head stops swimming, he laughs. Chris even surprised himself.

“You showed me, Colfer. Great job on your first try,” Joe remarks, walking by him and heading toward the kitchen.

Chris turns from the keg and Darren is no longer standing there. He pouts, wanting nothing more right now than to be next to him. After that keg stand, he’s feeling more drunk than ever and needs someone familiar to ground him.

So Chris walks around the apartment, hunting for Darren. After accidentally walking in on Joey and Lauren making out in a room, he reaches the end of the hall and opens another door that just screams Darren.

Vinyl records are splattered on the walls, everything from Vampire Weekend to the Beatles, and his movie collection is out of this world. Chris can’t help his grin as he spots the entire Harry Potter series, alongside the Star Wars and The Lord of the Rings films. He never imagined Darren to be this much of a fantasy buff, but then again, Darren has always pleasantly surprised him.

Chris wistfully thinks of them being cuddled on the couch together, marathoning one of these series and discussing the merits of the story, or how much cinematography has changed since the mid-twentieth century.

Mostly, he’d be content to let Darren babble on excitedly while he listened.

He laments the future he won’t allow them to have and skims over the rest of the titles.

Then he notices two guitars hanging on the wall and a keyboard toward the bed.

Chris smirks, his mind wandering to his other bedroom back in Italy. This room is surely easier to navigate.

He passes the bed to look at a shelf of photos near the window. There are a few from college, one in his cap and gown with his signature curls is simply adorable, the others are from Starkid’s shows over the years. A part of Chris wants to take the photo of him dressed as Harry Potter and put it in his pocket for safe keeping.

However, another picture distracts him. It’s of Darren and a brunette with the biggest smile he’s ever seen. They’re at The Ledge and Chris feels his blood boil. 

It doesn’t take him long to gather that she is _the_ ex-girlfriend. Chris spots a few more photographs of her on the shelf, including one where they’re kissing at Grant Park.

He has to admit she’s beautiful, and she and Darren look fantastic together. He looks so happy and content like he doesn’t have a care in the world.

Does he look that happy when _he’s_ with Darren?

Chris hears the door squeak and it makes him jump. He turns around tensely almost knocking something off the shelf.

It’s Darren.

His cheeks turn scarlet knowing he’s been caught.

_Shit._

“Hey, whatcha doin’ in here? Why aren’t you beating more of my friends with your awesome drinking skills? Major props by the way.”

"Thanks. I was actually looking for you.”

Darren points to himself. “Guilty as charged.”

Chris laughs. “Love what you’ve done with the place.”

Darren shrugs. “Meh, it’s not much, but it’s me.”

“Exactly.”

Chris grins and Darren grins back. Then, Chris clears his throat and turns back to the picture he had been looking at.

“This your ex?”

“Uh huh,” Darren confirms, stepping a little closer to Chris.

“You still have pictures of her.”

“What can I say? I’m big on nostalgia. We did have some good times.”

“But you didn’t love her,” Chris states, recalling their earlier conversation and running his thumb over the edge of the picture frame.

“No, I didn’t. I already told you that. She’s a cool chick, though. Deserves better than me.”

Chris whips his head around to face Darren. “How could you say that?” 

“Because I couldn’t love her the way she needed. I was too hung up on someone else.”

“Who?” Chris gulps, though he’s fairly sure he knows the answer.

Darren sighs and then walks over to his nightstand, pulling open the drawer. He returns, holding a metal chain with a small key in his palm.

“Someone told me it was bad luck to keep this. I should’ve fucking listened.” Darren chuckles wryly, and goes on. “After you attach the lock with you and your loved one’s names on it to the fence on the bridge, you’re supposed to chuck the key into the water. I didn’t do that. I wanted a physical reminder of you so I put the key to our lock on a chain and wore it every day we were apart, until we were scheduled to meet, and even a little after that. I wanted to believe that you were still out there somewhere, missing me.”

“I was.” Chris looks down at the key and touches it reverently. “God, I was, but I didn’t think you were.”

“Well, I missed you for a long time, and I tried to move on. Fooled myself that I was happy for a while, and maybe I was, but I never forgot you, Chris. Never. Then, when I saw your picture, it brought up all these feelings and shit. Suddenly, there I was, standing in front of you, and it was like I was back on that train, trying to make you see me.”

“Of course I saw you. How could I not? You’re… _you._ You’re amazing.”

“You are too, Chris. You were so goddamn oblivious, then, though,” Darren laughs, placing the chain in his pocket.

“Hey, I figured it out eventually. Give me some credit.”

“Yeah, after I spelled it out for you, like, a million times.” Darren smirks.

“Like you spelled it out tonight?” Chris asks him, suddenly serious. “I know that song was about me, Darren.”

He swallows, running his hand through his hair, looking so vulnerable and beautiful at the same time. “You’ve gotten smarter over the years, I see.”

Then, Chris witnesses the sharp rise and fall of Darren’s chest and that familiar warmth in Darren’s whiskey-colored eyes. Chris must really feel the alcohol running through his veins, because before he can even think, he tells Darren:

“Maybe. Maybe I haven’t gotten smarter because all I wanna do right now is kiss you.”

“You don’t--I don’t wanna--" Darren starts, glancing down at Chris’ lips. “I can’t.”

“Just a kiss, Darren. One kiss, to see if anything’s still there. Maybe then we can let it go.”

The part of Chris that knows better is long gone. Intoxicated Chris is going for what he wants and will pay for consequences later.

Darren shakes his head, taking one of Chris’ hands in his. “I think I’ve made it clear that I don't want to let you go, Chris.”

“You don’t have to. Not right now. Not tonight.”

Chris finds himself leaning in, softly pressing his lips to Darren’s own.

Darren tastes almost the same as the first time they kissed, like cheap beer and something indescribably _Darren_ that Chris could never get enough of.

Chris means to pull away but Darren curls a hand around Chris’ hip, bringing their bodies closer. He sucks at Chris’ bottom lip like he used to, and he’s a goner, slipping his tongue into his mouth as soon as Darren lets go.

He digs his fingers into Chris’ side, and then rubs his thumb over Chris’ hip, but it isn’t enough. Chris unclasps their other hands and slides it up Darren’s side, but then he pulls his mouth away to kiss Darren’s neck.

“Chris, fuck. I’ve missed you, missed _this_ so much,” Darren breathes out.

“Me, too,” Chris murmurs between kisses. “Can we just--? It’s okay. Just tonight.”

“Yeah, yeah. Whatever you--Whatever you need, babe.”

His heart swells at the affectionate nickname, but he ignores it in favor of his growing arousal and kisses Darren’s waiting mouth instead.

Suddenly, Chris pushes Darren back until he’s sitting on his bed and Chris crawls onto his lap, effectively straddling him. Chris frames Darren’s face with his hands and kisses him hard while he grinds against him.

Darren thrusts up to meet him, grabbing his sides and biting his top lip, and then his bottom one. One of Chris’ hands slips down the middle of Darren's chest, his open palm pressing down until he’s flat on his back against the bed.

Chris reaches under the hem of Darren’s shirt, finally getting at bare skin that he can’t deny he’s been craving almost ever since he saw him again, even more so now that he can feel Darren getting hard against his hip.

Darren drags his hands down to Chris’ ass, and Chris instinctively grinds against him once more while licking into Darren’s mouth.

Then Darren pulls away to breathlessly whisper against Chris’ lips. “One kiss, eh?”

“You’re such an ass.” Chris laughs, but darts in for another kiss.

Darren stares up at him, his soft hazel eyes burning with lust. “Yeah, but you still want me.”

Chris sighs, resting his forehead against Darren’s. “What do you propose we do about that, hmm?”

“Stay right here and finish what we started.”

“But, your friends--”

“Will understand,” Darren finishes, placing light kisses along Chris’ jaw. “And if they don’t, fuck ‘em.”

“Well, I don’t think Joey and Lauren will mind. They’re a little preoccupied themselves, if you know what I mean.”

Darren’s eyebrows shoot up as he looks at Chris incredulously. “Really? It’s been years since they hooked up.”

“I guess tonight is all about reconnecting.”

Darren rolls them over so he’s on top, and latches his mouth onto the scar on Chris’ neck. “Mmm, I guess so.”

“Ahh,” Chris winces, remembering Darren’s love for marking him. “Be careful.”

“What?” Darren pulls back in concern. “Does it hurt? I’m sorry. I’ll stop if--”

“No. Don't stop. Don’t you dare fucking stop," Chris cries out, lost in pleasure as Darren goes to work on his neck.

Chris feels as if he’s in some dream that only his eighteen-year-old self could have had, and he doesn’t want to wake up.

**

But he does, trying to blink away the pounding in his head with little success as the bright morning light sets in. 

He stirs, glancing down to find Darren draped around him, dressed in nothing but boxers. He smiles to himself; even Darren’s snores are on key. Chris shakes off his headache a bit as he notices their legs tangled together and Darren’s arms on his chest, a familiar warmth enveloping him that only Darren seems to provide.

Closing his eyes, Chris fixes his mind on what conspired the previous night.

_“You’re so fucking perfect, Chris.”_

_“Don’t ever leave me again.”_

_“I need you.”_

He remembers Darren’s darkening eyes while his knuckles gently grazed his sides and they kissed, over and _over_ again. Nothing else beyond that occurred, though, despite their desires for more. 

Chris strokes Darren’s back with one hand and runs the fingers of his other hand through his hair. Then Darren awakes as well, lifting his hand off Chris’ chest, looking sleepily at him.

“You’re still here?” Sleepy hazel eyes search Chris’ face.

Sending him a sad smile, Chris’ heart aches like his head. Why would he feel that way?

“Of course.” Chris fumbles sleepily, then kisses his forehead before settling back onto the bed. “No place I’d rather be.” Chris stretches, feeling stiff, then he rises gingerly. “Where’s your bathroom, again?”

_“Nooo,”_ Darren whimpers.

Chris laughs, and then regrets it. His throat is so dry. He needs water.

“I’ll come back, Dare. I promise.”

With a grin, Chris pulls the comforter off of himself and steps out of bed. He squeals when he reaches down for his t-shirt and Darren pinches his ass.

Chris scowls. “You are being very, very, bad.” 

“Ooh, are you gonna punish me?” Darren teases as he sits up, his semi-hairy chest peeking out. Chris’ thoughts go back to the feel of that hair between his fingers last night.

_Bathroom, focus._

“Shut up. I’ll be right back.”

Exiting Darren’s room, he’s finally able to take a breath. What in the world happened last night? One minute he’s walking in on Joey and Lauren getting to first base, the next he and Darren were rounding second.

Chris wonders where everyone else is.

His question is quickly answered when Lauren stumbles out of the bathroom, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand.

“Fuck my life,” she whispers when she sees Chris. “Finally someone to tell me what the hell happened last night.”

“Last time I saw you Joey was on top of you, so...”

Lauren’s eyes bug out of her head. “Bloody hell. Excuse me while I go find my dignity, obviously somewhere in Joey’s messy-ass room.”

Giggling at Lauren’s befuddled state makes his pain seem a little better. 

When he enters the bathroom, he finally has a good look at himself. With unruly hair and bags under his eyes, Chris doesn’t recognize the person before him. Then he notices the red marks on his lower neck, running his fingers over them with a frown. 

The last time he had a hickey, Chris cried for a good half and hour. He recalled Levi’s countless apologies, thinking he did something horrible, but he didn’t. 

It had been the first time since Italy that someone had marked him.

He thought of Darren, and the week after the now-infamous phone call when the marks he had left mocked him for his stupidity. After that, the marks reminded him to never give himself to someone in that way again unless he without a doubt knew they could be trusted with his heart.

Could he trust Darren with his heart, _again?_ He was able to put himself back together before with the help of time and Levi.

_Oh no. Levi._

Chris grips the sink hard and splashes cold water on his face. The weight of what he’s done suffocates him. A drunk memory resurfaces as he recalls the lie he texted Levi last night that he was going to bed early and couldn’t talk.

Of course, he left out the part about going to bed with another man – that he maybe still had a thing for.

Levi has been so sweet and patient, both as Chris had repaired his broken heart, and now, as he decided to travel across country alone. Levi trusts him, and to Chris, trust is everything. 

He’s not ready for this.

He’s not.

Chris splashes more water on his face as if to cleanse the sin away.

“What the fuck have I done?”

**

Chris returns to find a no-longer-shirtless Darren gobbling down what looks like cold leftover pizza.

“We should probably talk about last night.”

Darren swallows and looks at Chris. “Are you gonna tell him?”

“I have to. I don’t see any other way. I mean what we did was wrong.”

_“Wrong?”_ Darren chokes around another bite. “What happened last night was the most natural, fantastic thing that’s happened to me in years.”

Chris stares at Darren’s tousled hair and just wants to pick through those curls while Darren snuggles in next to him.

But no. It’s wrong, very, very, wrong. It defines wrong, really.

“Just because it felt right didn’t mean it necessarily _was_ right,” Chris reasons.

“Break up with him.”

The words come out of Darren’s mouth so quickly that Chris almost wants to ask him to repeat it. Then, he sees the dark seriousness in his eyes, and he realizes he shouldn’t.

“Darren, be reasonable.”

“Reasonable?” he questions, almost angrily. “Fuck reasonable. You weren’t being reasonable when you decided to stop speaking to me. You certainly weren’t being reasonable last night, either.”

“I was drunk. I--” Chris starts, but he knows there’s no way Darren will listen to him now. He’s fucked up in more ways than one. Not only did he betray the trust of someone he loves, but he took advantage of a situation with someone else he… _loves?_

Chris questions it briefly before Darren gets off the bed and starts walking towards him. For some reason, though, Chris takes two steps back, away from Darren, but not far away enough for temptation.

He has to get out of here.

“I should really go, Darren, before I mess anything else up,” Chris blurts out, grabbing his belongings and planning an escape route.

“You can’t leave me. Not again.” 

Chris isn’t looking at Darren when he says it, but he can just hear the anguish in his voice. 

That feeling is confirmed when he turns around and he’s confronted with Darren’s cold expression.

_Whoa. He’s pissed._

“Darren, don’t do this. Don’t make this harder than it already is.”

“Harder,” he chokes back what Chris presumes are tears. “Harder was being up on that fucking tower when you weren’t there. Harder was spending a good six months after that trying to get my fucking life together because I couldn’t even think about anyone else. What was fucking harder, Chris, was when I thought I was finally, and I mean _finally,_ over you, you pop back up again!”

Darren’s yelling now, and Chris is frozen in his position, not wanting the slightest movement to make him more upset. He sighs and then continues, “It’s like you had a fucking radar on me, man. Darren’s over you, let’s creep back into his life and fuck all his shit up again.”

_“Dare.”_

“Don’t ‘Dare’ me right now, Chris. You can’t do this. You can’t make me feel all these feelings and then go away. _That_ is not being reasonable.”

He’s right.

_Fuck. He’s so right._

“Okay,” Chris finally responds.

“Okay?”

Chris is exhausted at this point. All of the drinking, tension and mixed emotions of the last twenty-four hours are finally getting to him. He just wants to go back to his hotel room.

He should just tell Darren he’s a selfish coward who can’t handle real emotions right now.

Instead, he says, “I am beyond tired, Darren. The last couple of months have been a whirlwind for me and it’s all too much. _This,”_ he points at the both of them, “is all too much.”

Darren glares at him. “So I’m too much. _Great.”_

“That’s fucking not--” Chris yells, then it hits him that nothing he’ll say is going to change anything. “I’m leaving, Darren.”

With that, he all but runs away, tears welling in his eyes. A part of him is waiting for Darren to call after him, or better yet _run_ after him, but he doesn’t.

Instead, Joey shouts from the kitchen when he hits the door, “Hey, where’s the fire, man?” 

“I gotta go,” Chris whispers, turning the knob.

“Whoa, wait. Do you know how to get back to wherever you’re staying?”

“Not really,” Chris says worn out.

“Let me take you back to your hotel then.” Joey puts down his bowl of cereal and reaches for his coat.

**

The train ride is quiet between the two. Chris wonders why Joey even offered. 

What’s his angle?

It’s when they get to the front doors of Chris’ hotel that Joey says, “Darren’s an asshole.”

“Wait, what?”

“Darren, my best friend, is a major dick. He knows it. I know it, and I’m assuming by the way you ran out of our apartment that you know it, too.” Joey pauses, walking into the hotel and sitting at the first two lobby chairs he sees. “But Chris, you kind of are too.”

“Excuse me?”

Joey laughs wryly. “I heard you guys fighting. Darren has every right to be pissed at you, y’know. You were all over him, when you know you have someone at home waiting for you. Still, you knew he would take the bait because he’s loved you for years. Of course he’s going to fucking curse you out when you run away from him like that, yet again.”

Chris stays silent for a long moment and lets Joey continue. 

“Look, he was completely wrecked when you didn’t show, and he’s been carrying that shit around without telling anyone, until he saw your picture a couple weeks ago. Then, I finally got him to confess and I told him he’d regret it if he didn’t at least try to see you.”

Chris’ guilt washes over him once more as he realizes the gravity of what he’s done. With such strong feelings between them, Chris had to know it would end like this, but he did it anyway, while only considering his own selfish needs. He’s known about Darren for years, so he could have reached out sooner, with perhaps a much more favorable outcome for everyone involved. But he was traumatized, and hurt. 

All he did now was wound Darren in return.

If loving him is this intensely painful, maybe he shouldn’t have run back in the first place.

This isn’t some romance novel or film where everything is fixed by one passionate night. His life isn’t _Sleepless in Seattle_ and it never will be.

“Thanks for bringing me back, Joey,” Chris finally replies with a heavy heart. “I should go.”

“Yeah. Maybe, but you should also know that something special must’ve happened between you guys in Italy, and it’s still happening now. Even from one night, I could see it all over both your faces. So please, don’t leave him hanging again. You owe him that much.”

“Yeah, I guess I do.”

Joey stands up, his mouth flattening into a hard line before he speaks. “If you need more time, don’t wait too much longer. I can’t watch him fawn over a hopeless cause anymore.”

Chris knows he’s an idiot, but he also knows he needs to fix this somehow. He needs to speak to Darren.

“I promise I’ll be back in a couple hours.”

Chris watches him leave in a huff. Then he wonders how he’ll untangle the complicated web he created.

**

Following a much-needed shower to wash off the stench of booze and smoke (and regrettably, the decidedly more pleasant smell of Darren) from last night, Chris feels like he can finally take a deep breath, until his phone rings.

_Fuck. It’s Levi._

Chris debates not answering, but he can’t think of a legitimate excuse to avoid him, and it could be something important.

It is, because Levi greets him in a panic.

_“Oh, thank God. I had to take Brian to the vet. I think he swallowed something but I’m not sure what it is.”_

Chris jumps up from where he’s seated on his hotel bed. “Is he going to be okay? Should I come home?”

_“No, stay there for as long as you need. I’m pretty sure he’ll be fine, but you’re always the level-headed one in times like this. I just needed to hear your voice.”_

Chris’ stomach turns as he holds back a wry laugh, recalling how he had acted quite the opposite of level-headed last night, but he thinks it’s probably a bad time to bring that up to his boyfriend, especially over the phone.

“Well, honey, I’m glad you called me. He probably just swallowed one of my cuff links again. I should really stop leaving those out.”

_“Yeah,”_ Levi chuckles, _“Given that they’re a family heirloom. Anyway, we’re still at the vet and hopefully, we’ll be home in an hour or so. How’s your visit going?”_

Chris swallows hard, quickly debating what exactly he should say. He settles on something not far from the truth.

“A lot of unexpected things happened, as is usually the case whenever we meet up.”

_“Oh yeah? Where do you know this person from? Is it one of the girls that Melissa used to hang out with in college? Because I thought Chelsea got a job in publishing there,”_ Levi yells over a dog barking. _“Sorry. It’s kinda crazy in here.”_

“Ha, I could only imagine, and I actually met him before I went to USC, so it’s no one you know. We had a lot of fun together but then we lost touch. Y’know, life and distance, and such.” Chris sighs.

_“I do. You know I came from Oklahoma, babe.”_

Chris thinks he might throw up at Levi’s choice in pet names, but he lets Levi go on.

_“But I left and I never looked back. Some things are better left in the past.”_

“Maybe, but it’s been indescribable getting the chance to, um, talk to him again,” Chris replies, remembering how he and Darren had chatted most of the day yesterday, and then how they _didn’t_ chat at all after drinks and heartfelt confessions.

_“Are you gonna tell me who this mystery man is? Is he from Clovis?”_

“No. I, uh, I’ll tell you all about it when I get home,” Chris rushes out nervously.

_“Leaving me in suspense, then. You’ve always been a great storyteller. That’s why you have two novels and all I have are a bunch of articles in magazines that no one ever reads.”_

“Well, not everyone can be awesome as me,” Chris teases.

_“That’s true. Good thing I snatched you up when I still had the chance then. Otherwise, who knows who you’d be with now?”_

“Yeah. Who knows?” Chris repeats flatly, wondering if Darren is still upset with him and how often they’d argue if they had actually been together this whole time (Chris rarely argues with Levi; they’ve always been that couple that’s on exactly the same wavelength and constantly finishing each other’s sentences).

Before Chris can reflect or compare any further, however, Levi interrupts his musings.

_“Gotta go, honey. The doctor’s on his way back, hopefully with some good news.”_

“I hope it’ll be good, too. Let me know either way.”

_“I will. Can’t wait for you to be home. I love you so much.”_

“Love you, too, Levi.” Chris swallows, and for some reason, those words ache in a way they never have before.

Then, there’s a click and Levi is gone.

Chris thinks about Levi’s remark regarding leaving the past behind, but then he asks himself:

_What if the past finds you?_

**

Chris is still unsure what to do, about Levi, or Darren, but he doesn’t want to leave Chicago yet, not when Darren is so close to him.

However Darren is still miles away from him emotionally, and Chris doesn't want that, so he decides to text him.

_Hey._

Darren replies a minute later.

_Are you still in town?_

_Yeah,_ Chris answers. _Of course._

_So you’re done running?_

Chris considers the question and recalls how he had said basically nothing about Darren when he spoke to Levi, and how, before that, he had raced out of Darren’s place. It seems all he does is run.

That’s so unlike him. He really is a version of himself that he’s never met before.

_I don’t know. Can we talk in person?_ Chris texts back.

_Okay. Be at your hotel in a hour?_

Chris simply says, _Sure._

Then, he tries not to drive himself crazy with worry over how Darren will receive him.

He figures Darren still wants to see him, so that’s a very good sign that maybe he can fix this disaster somehow.

**

“I’m sorry for being a dick earlier,” is the first thing Darren tells him while they’re sitting at a booth in the hotel’s restaurant. “I was obviously upset.”

“And I’m sorry that I ran away and didn’t talk things out. That was a dick move as well.”

“I thought you’d leave. Y’know, go back to your--your life. Wouldn’t blame you.”

“I couldn’t leave without making things right,” Chris says, staring down at his glass of water.

“I don’t see how you can, unless you can rewind time or something.”

Chris studies Darren’s face. “Do you think I regret last night?” 

“You made that pretty clear this morning with the way you jetted out the door.”

“What was I supposed to do, Darren?” Chris fires back sharply but tries to keep his voice down. “I have a boyfriend, but I couldn’t--” 

“Couldn’t what? Couldn’t resist leaving me hanging again?” Darren asks with such hurt filling his hazel eyes.

“Stop being so dramatic. We talked about this.”

Darren sighs. “Yeah, I know. What happened between us isn’t anyone’s fault. It really sucks that we fucked up so bad back then that you couldn’t just trust me.”

Suddenly, this conversation feels so much bigger than discussing the events of last night. This isn’t about a drunk makeout session. It’s about Italy.

Everything between Chris and Darren goes back to the start.

“We did really mess this up, but we can’t stay in the past forever, Darren. We have to forgive ourselves, and each other, and then move on.”

Darren smiles and looks down shyly. “God, you’re so fucking smart. It’s one of the things I love about you.”

Did he just say that?

Chris is reeling. He blinks at him, a chill radiating through his body.

“Wait, why didn’t you say that in Italy?”

“Say what? That I love you?”

_“Loved,_ Darren. Loved,” Chris corrects him because he must’ve misheard.

“For someone who deals with words for a living, you are really dense about listening to exactly what I’m saying,” Darren spits out angrily. His tone makes Chris want to run away again, but then Darren calms down and scoots over to Chris’ side, resting his arm over the back of their corner booth. “Can you promise me that you’ll listen to everything I’m about to say?”

Chris glances down at Darren’s mouth, resisting the temptation to pull Darren closer and kiss him; he simply nods instead.

“I am officially done reminiscing about us in Italy. I don’t want to live in that world anymore. Honestly, I just want to pack up all those memories and put them on a top shelf in an attic somewhere. What I want to focus on is creating new memories with you. I also fully understand that I’ll probably be spending the rest of my life making up for what transpired between us. Hopefully, you’ll be stupid enough to let me.”

Chris’ heart is racing. Now, he really doesn’t know what to say. He should’ve written a speech before meeting him today.

So he sits there, wordlessly, while Darren fills the silence. 

“I know I’ve said a lot so I’m going to go back to my place and let you think some more about all of this because in the end, this is totally your decision, Chris.”

“I know,” Chris mutters, not even sure if the words leave his lips at all.

“Before I go though, I really, _really,_ want you to think this through. If you really love this Levi guy, awesome. Your happiness means so much to me and I’ll swallow my pride and accept it, but I’m not gonna lie. It’ll suck because I can’t fucking live without you, Chris. Believe me, I’ve tried and I just can’t. I love you so god damn much.”

Darren’s words make Chris feel like he can’t think, or even breathe, so he nods again. Chris still can’t believe any of it, though. 

Then Darren kisses him on the cheek, and whispers, “Goodbye, Chris, hopefully only for now,” before departing from the booth and walking out of the bar.

Once he’s out of sight, all the air rushes out of Chris’ body and he fights the overwhelming need to cry because he’s in public and people are starting to arrive for the lunch hour. 

Then Chris recalls his other arguments with Darren, and how Darren always resolved them by reaffirming that all he’s ever wanted was Chris, since the moment they met.

Four years ago, Chris knew in his heart that he wanted that, too.

But does he still want that now?

**

Chris needs advice before he turns his whole life upside down.

So when he returns to his hotel room, he calls Melissa, the only friend who knows every detail of his involvement with Darren.

_“Hey, what’s up, stranger?”_

“My entire existence, basically. I don’t even know who I am anymore, Mel,” he tells her, pacing the room.

_“Whoa, start from the beginning, please. What happened? Is the tour making you crazy or--?”_

“No. I mean, yes. The tour was insane, but that’s not the problem.”

_“What else could it possibly be, then? Trouble in paradise? You and Levi have always been perfect together.”_

“I--I don’t know how to say this, because it sounds completely insane, but you remember Darren?” 

There’s a brief pause as Chris assumes she’s wracking her brain trying to place him, or more likely, she’s in shock, just as Chris had been. Then, she practically yells.

_“You mean the bastard who cheated on you and planned on standing you up in Italy? The one who pretty much broke your heart? That Darren?”_

“Yeah, that one. Well, it turns out he lives in Chicago, and he came to the signing, but he didn’t actually cheat on me. He didn’t stand me up, either. Turns out, I’m the one who stood _him_ up.”

_“What?”_ Melissa shrieks.

“Long story short, I was an insecure idiot who jumped to the wrong conclusion, and he’s loved me this whole time, even now.”

_“Okay, I know you have a brilliant imagination, but this isn’t the kind of story you would ever write.”_

“Exactly, because it’s the truth. It’s why I’m still in Chicago. We’ve been rediscovering our connection.”

_“And...what the hell does that mean?”_

“We hooked up last night,” Chris blurts out. “But it’s more than that. I think I still have feelings for him, Mel.”

The truth, the _real_ truth, is out into the universe. It’s a bit uneasy to hear out loud, but now he just can’t stop himself from admitting even more.

“I love Levi, but Darren...I can’t even begin to explain what he does to me. It’s like I’m that kid from Clovis all over again, and the guy who I thought would never talk to me in a million years not only wants to be around me, but wants to date me, too.”

_“So, what do you plan on doing about it, Chris?”_

“A part of me wants to call him and tell him that I--I love him, too.” He stops pacing and sits down on the bed, gripping the mattress. “Oh my God, I love him. I really love him.”

_“Wow. This is a lot to take in. Are you sure? He’s your first, so there will always be feelings. How do you know?”_

Chris remembers the fluttering in his stomach the first time Darren smiled at him, and how he felt that all over again the day before yesterday at the book signing.

“I just do. I think I’ve always known.”

Melissa sighs in her familiar way. No doubt she’s rolling her eyes too as she lays down the law.

_“Okay, I’m gonna say something that you really need to listen to before you make up your mind and can’t go back on it. Fate and destiny and all that jazz, do you really believe in any of that? Because this sounds like a fantasy, not reality. You’re telling me that you love him, but if you really, really loved Darren, wouldn’t you have contacted him sooner? I mean have you even told him that you’ve been sort of following him this whole time?”_

Taking in her words, Chris feels like that naive kid he was in Italy who thought that true love had found him and nothing could ever screw it up.

But of course, he was wrong.

“No, I haven’t told him,” he says in a voice as small as he feels. “Oh my god, I’m such an asshole.”

Melissa exhales deeply. _“You aren’t an asshole. You did an asshole thing. You’re just human. Glad to see you’re not so perfect for once.”_

Chris’ face upturns. “Thanks, bestie.”

_“Any time. Now you need to stop being a selfish prick and come back home and talk to Levi face-to-face.”_

Chris blanches, suddenly filled with dread. “What if I tell Levi and he hates me? What if he leaves me?”

_“You’re doing it again, Chris. I love you, I do, but you don’t understand consequences very well. If he hates you, then he has every right to. You cheated, Christopher. You keep talking about this “great love” with Darren, but don’t you think Levi deserves that same kind of love? C’mon, you aren’t that dense.”_

With every word Melissa says, Chris becomes more and more angry with himself. Who the hell is this selfish person Chris is becoming? He gets some attention and he turns into a monster.

“Shit. Y--you’re right.”

_“Did you guys--?”_

“What? Oh, no no no. Feelings were discussed, and things might have happened, but we didn’t--no. Hooking up did not include _that._ Give me _some_ credit.”

_“Alright. I wouldn’t think less of you if you did. Despite thinking he was a jerk these last few years, I did happen to sneak a look at a picture of him and, wow.”_

“Yeah. Wow,” Chris laughs.

_“Ugh. I hate you so much right now. Best-selling author with two men after him. You basically have everything you want.”_

“Not quite yet. I feel like Diane Lane’s character in _Unfaithful.”_

_“If I was a terrible friend, I would start singing that Rihanna song right now.”_

Chris rolls his eyes. “Goodbye, Mel. Love you, even though you’re being a total bitch right now.”

_“See you soon, boo.”_

“Bye.”

Chris stands, arms crossed. He groans at the red faced, puffy-eyed version of himself in the mirror in front of him. Reaching in his pocket, he starts to send a text to Darren telling him he’s going home, but he stops himself.

Cowards say it through text.

He presses the call button.

_“Chris, hi.”_ Darren’s tone is out of sorts and grief-stricken. It makes his heart drop. There will be nothing easy about this.

“Hey, I-I need to tell you that I’m-I’m going home.” Chris stammers.

_“Oh. Okay.”_

A tear falls down Chris’ cheek at the sound of Darren’s voice. It’s pint-sized, full of misery.

“I don’t know who I am right now, Darren. I just–”

_“You don’t have to explain.”_ He’s crying now, too, and Chris closes his eyes, remembering Darren’s watery pupils on that train platform so many years ago.

It only makes Chris cry more, the emotional barrier split open.

“Darren–”

_“You’re making your choice. I get it.”_ Darren sniffs.

“No. No.” Chris says firmly, finally taking control of the situation. “No choice is being made yet. I just need to figure out who I am and who I want to be. I needed to figure it out a long time ago, but especially now.”

_“I’m not giving up on us.”_

Chris grins. “I’m so happy to hear that. I’m not giving up either.”

_“I love you so much.”_

Wanting nothing more than to kiss Darren right now, Chris just wants to make all this better.

“I know you do. I believe you.”

Darren laughs. _“I call that progress.”_

At least someone thinks so.

**

When Chris returns to his Burbank home, he finds Levi lying on their bed fast asleep, his lovely face looking so exquisite and tranquil that Chris takes the opportunity to just stare at him for a moment. He smiles at Levi’s slight pout, while Brian curls against Levi’s side. Seeing his beautiful family rest so peacefully shoots more guilt into his veins. It was bad enough that on the flight over, Chris nearly sobbed on the old lady sitting next to him, though he pretended it was the ending of _Terms of Endearment_ that brought him to silent tears.

He lightly drops his bag on the corner chair, and strolls to the bathroom, trying to not to wake them. Then Chris slumps against the counter, looks at himself in the vanity mirror, and thinks, _“What have I done?”_

When Chris boarded the red eye to LAX, his feelings were more up in the air. Now though, his logical side is taking over with a vengeance. Chris takes a quiet shower, brushes his teeth, and opens the door to his bedroom. Brian meows, weaving between his legs, and Chris smiles and picks him up.

“‘ello, boy. You miss daddy, too?” he whispers, sprinkling light kisses to his face.

Brian then wiggles out of his embrace, not that Chris is surprised. Brian is apparently only allotted twenty seconds a day of tolerance toward human beings and Chris just used it up. He smiles as Brian struts out of the door, probably to give something else a bitch stare. Chris’ heart is still heavy, but he climbs into bed regardless. 

However, right now, Chris just wants to sleep so he reflexively snuggles into the empty space between Levi’s chest and right arm, and then, like clockwork, Levi wraps that arm around him, pushing Chris further into his chest.

“You’re finally home,” Levi breathes sleepily.

His low, raw voice makes him sound like a small child, and Chris’ heart leaps into his throat.

_Oh, Levi._

How could Chris ever betray him?

Chris knows if they talk now, he won’t be able to control his emotions.

No, they’re not going to have _the talk_ until tomorrow.

“Sleep, baby,” Chris whispers.

He gives in fully to the solace of Levi’s arms around him, and drifts off to sleep.

**

“Brian! Get off of him!”

Chris’ eyes flicker open quickly at the noise, the gray sky peeking into the room, and realizes that the heavy weight on his chest isn’t just his emotions, but Brian propped on top of him, his butt in Chris’ face, no less. 

Chris laughs hard, because _this_ is his life, but then he pushes Brian off the bed and sits up properly, muttering, “Bri, get off of me.” 

Then Chris’ mouth drops open at Levi standing shirtless in front of him, with his pajamas hanging in just the right place on his hips.

The sight usually makes Chris want to jump him like a lion, but now that familiar ping of guilt rushes over him.

When will that go away?

“Good morning, sunshine,” Levi says, walking over to Chris and leaning in to kiss him. However, Chris turns his head just in time for Levi’s lips to hit his cheek, earning a quizzical expression from Levi.

Stupid Chris. 

He knows his best chance for survival is to act completely normal.

“Hey, you.” Chris pastes on a sweet smile as Levi sits on the bed. “You’re up early.”

“Yes, I am,” Levi’s eyes crinkle with a sly grin of his own. “I wanted to take my man out for a homecoming brunch.”

The idea of food sounds incredible to Chris, even though he knows being alone with Levi means that he’s going to ask questions about his trip, and about his impromptu rendezvous with an old friend.

Their favorite brunch spot in Burbank is packed; apparently people love the idea of bottomless mimosas so much that there’s a line out the door. Chris shakes off his annoyance at Levi for not getting a reservation beforehand, and that feeling is soon replaced with fear.

What will Levi ask? How will he respond?

Those jitters disappear, though, when their food arrives because Levi is chatty as ever, going on and on about what _he’s_ been doing while Chris has been away. Apparently, he bought a new coffee maker, which Chris rolls his eyes at, _and_ he’s going to be an uncle again. He tells Chris that means they’ll have to plan a trip to Oklahoma soon to see his sister and parents.

Chris hates Oklahoma.

The state is always humid or hot as hell, usually both. The mosquitos there are like demented sucking vampires, and he cringes every time someone says “fixin’” or “y’all.” Not to mention Levi’s mom just can’t help saying, “Bless your heart,” to him each time he talks about what he does for a living.

Long story short, Oklahoma wasn’t on his book tour for a reason.

“Oh, and then this morning, I got a very important call back for a permanent job.” 

Chris snorts on his breakfast burrito. “What?”

Levi gives him a warm smile. “I got the job, babe.”

“Wow! That’s amazing.” Chris reaches across the table to grab his hand. “What’s the job? When do you start?”

Levi’s eyes twinkle when he says, “It’s just a copy editing gig at the _Los Angeles Times,_ but the editor ensured that I could still freelance, maybe with the option to move up to a reporter position eventually.”

Chris blinks a couple times in disbelief and grins. “That’s amazing, Lee.” Then, he squeezes the hand that’s still in his and kisses Levi’s knuckles. “I’m so proud of you.”

“Honestly, I couldn’t have done it without you. Y’know, with your book series going so well these past few months, you kind of inspired me.”

Levi looks so proud of himself that Chris starts to giggle. Everything seems to be falling into place for them, and the ping of guilt from before remains. Chris thinks back to Darren’s final comments questioning who he would be the _most_ happy with.

Levi lets go of Chris’ hand and goes back to his breakfast. “Anyway, more on that later. Tell me about your trip. How were the crowds?”

“They were fine. It was fine,” Chris answers with a nervous edge to his voice as he squirms in his seat, feeling a little off-balance. 

“C’mon, make me jealous. Tell me about all the amazing places. How was Chicago and seeing your friend?” Levi narrows his eyes at Chris as if he knows some big secret.

His inner thoughts say he’s just being paranoid, but that doesn’t stop him from fidgeting.

“Chi-Chicago was gr-gr-great,” Chris stutters. “Seeing my friend Darren was fun. It was nice to catch up with him.”

Levi nods, accepting his answer and moving on to talk about his new job. Chris chokes back his disbelief that Levi let the topic go so quickly. Chris should be jumping for joy; instead he's drowning in shame, and he feels so sick that he spends the rest of breakfast moving his food from one side to the other.

As a result, Chris keeps to himself for the rest of the day, his feelings weighing on him as he unpacks and answers a slew of emails, mostly from his team about rescheduling the New York City meetings he missed. 

Chris has too much on his plate already to think about dealing with that right now.

Levi is cooking dinner, and singing off-key in the kitchen when Chris finally goes downstairs. 

He thinks of Darren and how he’d probably hum some self-penned tune in the same situation; he wonders if he’d join Darren in an impromptu duet.

Chris sighs and glances at his watch, marveling at how it’s nearly seven o'clock and he’s had barely any contact with Levi since brunch. 

Then, Chris recognizes the voice of Lauryn Hill, the melody of the song making his heart constrict.

_I need you baby, and if it’s quite all right. I need you baby to warm the lonely night._

“Fuck,” Chris mumbles, but he tries to focus as he grabs plates from the cabinet.

He freezes in place as excruciating memories flash through his mind – the romance, the lust, and the passion of Italy. Chris can still hear Darren’s smooth voice singing these words on a bridge overlooking the Rome skyline. Then, Chris reminisces about all the nights he cried himself to sleep listening to this song, wishing that everything would’ve ended up differently.

_You’re just too good to be true. Can’t take my eyes off of you._

The horrendous overpowering feeling smacks him in the chest. It’s painful thinking back at all those times that Chris _hated_ Darren after Italy, and wishing he had never laid eyes on that stupid smile, or let Darren’s ridiculous charm sweep him off his feet so quickly. Chris had spent years resenting him for it, and after all this time, they spent a few days together and suddenly, Chris is puddy again.

Why does Chris allow Darren to do this?

If Chris could roll his eyes at himself, he would now.

Yet, he knows why.

He loves Darren, unconditionally, so much so that Chris knows that he would go through all that pain and heartache again if it meant experiencing Darren singing this sweet song to him on some bridge in Italy, or anywhere, for that matter.

He jumps back to reality, the plates still in his hand crashing to the ground.

“Baby, what’s wrong?” Levi asks softly, though the music is now off.

Chris blinks back tears warily, and he cannot resist the truth any longer.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a chance meeting in Italy four years ago, Chris and Darren spent seven magical days together falling in love and finding themselves, but circumstances have kept them apart since. Now, Chris is on a successful book tour when a familiar face unexpectedly returns. How will he handle his past colliding with the present? How will this forever change his future?

Spontaneous, unpredictable, and free-spirited aren’t the exact words Chris would use to describe himself. In fact, the thought of being impulsive makes his scalp prickle.

Monomaniacal is more like it.

Be that as it may, a few days after returning back to California, he’s on a plane again, desperately wanting to be anywhere but his so-called home. 

Chris has no fucking clue where home even is anymore.

After he told Levi the whole truth about Darren, Levi had been too understanding at first. Then, when Chris had explained that Darren was, and never would be, some fling borne out of loneliness, Levi stormed out in a fit of tears.

He texted Chris the next day and said he'd be out by the end of the week.

Though he knew it had to be done, that didn’t stop his heart from shattering. Chris destroyed the life he created so he could hopefully build a new one with someone else. Melissa told him how stupid he was when she came over to kittysit Brian while he was away. He turned his entire world on its head overnight, and he’s still unsure if he made the right decision.

So when the crisp Chicago wind hits his face, Chris lets his willpower guide him to the apartment door where uncertainty lies on the other side.

He knocks and hears yelling on the side.

“What now, Joseph? Forgot your script again? I swear to God, I--” and then, footsteps rapidly approach and the man on the other side opens his mouth wide and stops talking as the door swings open.

Chris remembers him as Joe, one of Darren’s roommates.

“I--I’ll go get Darren,” he says quietly.

Well, this is awkward.

Chris waits nervously, tapping his foot a few times and wondering if it’s too soon to be here, but he couldn’t stay at home while Levi packed up the rest of his stuff.

However, he realizes that the look on Darren’s face when he’s standing in front of him is so worth it. His eyes are shining with a mixture of awe and disbelief.

“Chris,” he murmurs, then his lips part, but nothing comes out.

 _Wow._

Forever talkative Darren is rendered speechless.

“Are you gonna let me in?”

“Yeah, of course. Always,” Darren says with such deep reverence that Chris’ breath catches in his chest as he steps aside to let Chris inside.

Darren’s brow creases as the two of them stand silent in his living room. Finally, he says, “What are you doing here? I didn’t want you to rush into–” Darren’s breath hitches, and the speechlessness returns.

“It’s been three or four years, Darren, but who’s counting?” Chris laughs.

Darren pulls him in for a tight embrace without warning, and whispers against Chris’ shoulder, “I missed you.”

Chris does a clear about-face, breathing in Darren’s familiar scent. “Missed you too.”

After a few more moments of silently holding each other, Darren finally acquiesces with an, “Let’s talk,” and they head over to the couch.

Darren leaves a bit of space between them as he sits on the edge of one cushion and Chris sits on another.

“I--” Chris starts. “So I'm just gonna--I broke up with my boyfriend.”

Darren raises his eyebrows and says, “Oh. Oh! Okay. I’d say I’m sorry to hear that, but you already know how I feel.”

“I do.” Chris bites his lips and scoots closer to Darren, but he moves back, holding up his hands in defense. “What?”

Chris watches Darren’s gaze darken, giving nothing away. Then he spits out angrily, “You broke my heart, again. This has felt like the longest week ever. You just dropped off the face of the earth without any word at all.”

_Oh, Darren._

He wants nothing more than to scoop the man in front of him in his arms and never let go. Darren looks so guarded and anxious, which completely unsettles Chris.

“I’m sorry, but you knew I needed time. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. I–” _love you,_ Chris thinks, but doesn’t say. Instead, he finishes, “Here with you is where I want to be.”

Darren’s eyes shift, turning more alive with some incomprehensible emotions, and then he reaches out and curls his fingers around Chris’ own. As with every time Darren touches him, Chris revels in the contact as it resonates through his body.

“Are you sure you want this, want me?” Darren asks, his voice so small.

Chris frowns at the question, wondering how confident, strong Darren could view himself as someone incapable of being desired.

“I want you in every way there is to want a person.” Chris blinks at him, Darren’s eyes burning into his. “I was hoping we could, um, start something new.”

“Really? Are you sure it’s new and you’re not just continuing something old?”

Darren’s eyes flicker to Chris’ lips.

“Maybe I _want_ to continue something old. Shut up and lemme kiss you, Dare.”

“Gladly.”

When Chris briefly presses his lips to Darren’s own, it feels new and exciting as it always has, but still somehow so familiar, as if Chris had been doing it all this time.

Then, Chris opens his eyes and pulls away, hoping he can keep doing exactly that for as long as possible.

“I want to be with you, Dare. I don’t want anyone else.”

“Good,” Darren tells him, voice already deliciously low. “The feeling’s mutual.”

“Will you--? How will we--?”

“Don’t care.”

Darren dives back in for another kiss and soon, Chris finds himself lying flat on his back, Darren’s lips attached to his neck.

Chris remembers that this is what started this whole mess, and they should probably talk more about how they’re going to proceed, but having Darren pressed against him feels so good that all other coherent thought flies out of his head.

“I wanna--fuck,” Darren whimpers, his rough hands grazing Chris’ sides.

“Yes, yes. Anything you want,” Chris encourages, one of his own hands scratching at Darren’s scalp.

“God, Chris,” he whispers, slinking down Chris’ body and rucking Chris’ shirt up along the way.

Chris trembles when Darren’s fingers, and then his lips, brush across Chris’ stomach.

Now eye level with Chris’ lower half, Darren looks up through his eyelashes, silently asking permission.

Chris nods, watching almost in a trance as Darren unzips Chris’ fly.

Darren’s eyes widen for a brief moment before he nuzzles at Chris’ underwear and licks a line up Chris’ cock.

The position is awkward but it doesn’t stop Chris from shivering and nearly begging for more.

He doesn’t have to beg though, because Darren mouths at Chris’ balls and peels down his underwear.

Then Darren sucks at the head, darting his tongue into the slit and wrapping his fist around the base.

Levi had always tried to take Chris too fast and ended up slobbering on him in a way that was funny at the time but still kind of gross. Darren seems to use just the right amount of finesse, swallowing him down inch by inch and building anticipation.

Chris quickly hardens in his mouth and bucks his hips up instinctively, so Darren lays a forearm across them, much like he did the first time. But he doesn’t interrupt Darren this time, since Chris knows all he needs to know and doesn’t care about anything except for how Darren takes him so smoothly and moans around him.

As Darren bobs up and down, Chris curses under his breath and grips Darren’s curls, causing Darren to move faster. Chris strains his neck up to see Darren’s lips stretched around him, and nearly comes at the sight, so he taps Darren’s shoulder.

“C’mere,” Chris commands, and Darren pulls off with a wet pop and wipes his mouth. 

Then, he obliges, climbing up Chris’ body.

“I don’t wanna--Not yet,” Chris whispers against Darren’s lips.

“’Kay,” Darren nods and then kisses him on the lips, letting Chris taste a bit of himself on Darren’s tongue.

The kiss quickly turns dirty, with Darren cupping Chris’ face and licking into Chris’ mouth, but it’s over too soon as Darren speaks.

“Wanna go somewhere more private?”

“Please,” Chris practically whines. 

“Alright.” He pecks Chris’ lips once more. “God, I’ve missed you so fucking much. Can’t say it enough.”

Chris laughs softly. “The feeling’s mutual.”

“Then, let’s go, babe.”

Chris’ heart swells with affection as Darren reaches down to hastily put Chris back together. Before he has any more time to think, Darren drags him down the hallway to his bedroom. 

However, his mind does immediately travel back to the countless times Chris imagined exactly this: Darren practically sweeping him off his feet, muttering into his skin how much he’s missed him.

Once the door is closed, Darren has another question, “How do you, um, wanna do this? Because I know last time was your first, but, like, things change, so--”

His bashfulness seems so odd, yet it endears Chris even more.

Chris silences him with a quick kiss and murmurs into Darren’s ear, “I want you to fuck me, like last time.”

“O-okay,” Darren stutters out, cursing as Chris kisses his neck.

It’s been so long since Chris let anyone in like that; he usually topped with Levi, but with Darren, it just feels right.

Not that he won’t try other ways, if Darren will let him.

Darren spins them around, walking Chris over to the bed and laying him down while Chris continues mouthing along Darren’s neck and jaw.

“I-I’ve got you,” Darren assures him.

When Chris pulls back, he sees such warm adoration in Darren’s gaze that he can’t help believing him. Chris nods and clutches the hem of Darren’s shirt between his fingers. 

“Can I--?” Chris asks.

“Oh my God, yes,” he exclaims, so Chris strips it off of him and flips them over.

Chris’ eyes widen when he sees a chain with a key on it hanging from around Darren’s neck. “You--you’re wearing--Is that the key from our lock?”

“Yeah. After you left, I--I hoped that you’d come back so I started wearing it again.”

“Darren,” he whispers, his heartbeat quickening as he kisses Darren hard on the lips before continuing down to his collarbones and across his chest.

“What are you doing?” Darren wonders.

“Returning the favor,” Chris answers with a smirk.

“It wasn’t--” Darren starts, but Chris interrupts him.

“I know. Just let me.”

Then Chris strips him of his pants and boxers, taking him down his throat.

Darren moans above him and babbles, “God, so good. Always so fucking good.”

It urges Chris to take him in further and further until Darren’s almost fully inside him and he tastes precome on his tongue. Chris sinks down and then back up, licking just under the head and fondling Darren’s balls.

“Mmm, baby,” Darren goes on. “I can’t--Need you.”

Chris pulls off and smiles cheekily. “’M right here.”

“Need to fuck you,” Darren grunts out. “Need you naked, like, right now.”

“Fine,” Chris huffs out, climbing up Darren’s body. “I was having so much fun, though.”

Darren brushes Chris’ hair off his forehead with a grin. “We’ve got time for that, don’t we, Chris?”

“Yeah, we do,” Chris affirms joyfully and then kisses him before taking off his own shirt.

Darren stares in amazement as Chris hovers above him.

“What?“ Chris asks when he catches him.

“You really are more gorgeous than I remember. How is that even fucking possible?”

Chris is about to come back with a witty retort when Darren’s hands find the small of his back and he pulls him down for a wet kiss.

“You taste better too,” Darren comments when they part.

“You sure that’s not you?” Chris chuckles.

“Shut the fuck up. It’s true. I’m trying to be romantic, babe. Don’t ruin it.”

Chris laughs again as Darren flips them back over and mouths at the scar low on Chris’ neck.

“Y-you don’t have to try, Dare. You’ve already done more than enough.”

“Really?” Darren asks as he looks up, the side of his mouth quirking into a half-smile.

Chris nods, tears welling up his eyes as he remembers seeing the hopeful and adoring look on Darren’s face during the final night of the book tour. He frames Chris’ face with his strong hands and kisses him sweetly on the mouth. 

“Chris, let me. Please,” Darren gently pleads, one of his hands sneaking between them and reaching for Chris’ fly.

“Y-yes,” Chris tells him, and Darren helps him shimmy out of his pants and underwear.

Darren lays against him for a few moments and just kisses his lips, his cheeks, his nose, and finally, his forehead.

“I love you so much,” Darren says so quietly that Chris almost doesn’t hear it.

The words are so close to falling out of Chris’ mouth in return, but he can’t, not yet.

It will happen soon enough.

Thankfully, Darren seems not to expect it back, because he doesn’t acknowledge it further, only curls his hand around Chris’ cock and jerks him off. Then, Darren reaches to his side with his other hand and soon after that, there’s a thump on the bed beside them.

“Fuck,” Chris groans when Darren pulls away slightly and sits up.

Darren kisses Chris’ cheek and says, “Relax, hon. Just getting this.”

Darren grabs the lube next to them and coats his hands generously in the substance. There’s a dark look in his eyes that stirs something low in Chris’ belly, but then he smiles comfortingly, and Chris remembers how warm and patient he had been their first night together nearly four years ago.

He almost wants to cry again, thinking how he could’ve had this so many more times if he wasn’t so dumb.

Darren returns to slowly stroking him again and then bends down with a chuckle. “That bad already, huh?”

“N-no,” Chris assures him. “I--I’m just glad I’m here.”

“I’m glad you’re here, too, baby.”

Darren’s cock brushes against Chris’ thigh, and suddenly, the heat returns.

“F-fuck. Darren, please,” Chris begs. “Want you so bad.”

“Okay. I-Okay,” Darren breathes out and kisses Chris once more before pulling back to add more lube to his fingers. 

As Chris spreads his legs a little further open, Darren cautiously asks, “Are you sure?”

“Mhmm,” Chris replies without hesitation, realizing he’s never been more sure of anything else in his life and he almost says those three words, but he still can’t.

Chris winces at the intrusion when Darren first presses one finger inside him and slowly crooks it.

“Is that okay?” he asks, his other hand rubbing a circle over the inside of Chris’ knee.

Chris gulps. “Yeah. Just go slow.” 

Darren nods, moving his finger a few more times, barely grazing the spot where Chris needs him before adding a second finger.

Chris looks up at the ceiling, trying to maintain his breathing when Darren does reach that spot.

“It’s alright,” he hears Darren say. “Wanna see you lose control.”

Chris shivers and doesn’t hold back anymore, becoming louder when Darren adds a third finger and strokes inside him faster and harder, making him feel impossibly full. Chris moans out Darren’s name and brings his hand down to touch himself, but Darren swats him away.

“No. Lemme--fuck. Chris, I need to-- Just wait, okay?”

He pulls his fingers out abruptly, leaving Chris empty and throbbing with want. Then, he strains his neck up to see, noticing a wild, almost nervous look in Darren’s eyes as he searches for something.

Now it’s Chris turn to tell him with a smile, “Dare, relax. You’ve got this.”

“Right. Ah.” Darren snatches the condom from next to them and visibly exhales. “Sorry, I just--You’re just--God, I love you so much.”

“I--I’m ready. Fuck going slow. I don’t wanna wait anymore.”

“Okay.”

Chris takes the opportunity to study Darren and he has to agree that _he’s_ gotten more beautiful with age as well; his waist is even trimmer now but he still has the same dark hair smattering his olive-toned chest and leading down to his erection.

“Enjoying the view?” Darren jokes with an exaggerated waggle of his thick eyebrows, and just like that, he’s back to his normal charming, goofy self.

“Kinda,” Chris responds daringly, a way he never would have back when they first met.

Darren blushes faintly but still says, “Oh, maybe I should stay like this a little longer.”

“I already have plans for when you will,” Chris returns mysteriously, “but not today.”

“Oh, really?” Darren raises an eyebrow and takes himself in hand. “I’d like to hear more about that later.”

“Definitely.”

Chris bites his lower lip, causing Darren to jerk himself faster for a few more strokes, and then Darren’s ripping the foil open with his teeth and sliding it over himself. He swallows and leans over, his cock brushing over Chris’ entrance.

“You sure?” Darren asks again. “I don’t wanna--”

“Unhh, you-you won’t, okay?”

“How do you know?”

Chris searches Darren’s face, and kisses him.

“I just do,” Chris answers. “C’mon, Dare.”

“Alright.” Darren kisses him again deeply while he grabs Chris’ hips, _hard,_ and pushes inside.

“Oh, ohh,” Chris gasps when Darren breaks from him to rest their foreheads together. _“Fuck.”_

Darren presses in a little more, silent, save for breathing against Chris’ mouth.

“Yeah, _yes,”_ Chris encourages as Darren pushes in further, until he’s fully seated.

“Ugh, feels so good,” Chris grunts out while Darren lies on top of him, his shaking fingers digging into Chris’ sides.

“You okay, Dare?”

“Y-yeah,” he finally says. “Need to move.”

“You can. Please. Whatever you need,” Chris assures him with a kiss, and then Darren moves, slow at first, barely hitting the spot that Chris wants him to.

But then he goes faster, grunting and murmuring, “I love you,” into Chris’ skin over and over.

Chris squeezes his eyes shut for a second and realizes he needs to see the words crossing Darren’s lips, needs to memorize this moment if they ever separate again.

Darren thrusts in deeper, finally hitting a spot that makes Chris cry out, and then Chris’ eyes stray to the key dangling from Darren’s neck and catching in the setting sunlight of Darren’s room.

It’s like the past, present, and future colliding into _this,_ where there’s nothing and no one but them absorbing each other.

Chris slides down the bed and wraps his legs over the small of Darren’s back, bringing a delicious change in angle.

“Fuck,” Chris groans. “‘M gonna--”

“C’mon, baby. Want you to.”

Darren kisses him and grinds down harder, his hips crashing into Chris’ when he slams in. Then, he pulls back, finally jerking Chris off, almost perfectly timed with his thrusts, and as Darren’s thumb swipes over the slit of his cock, Chris spills over Darren’s fist with a whimper.

“Mmm, yeah. Fuck,” Darren groans, still loosely holding on to him as Darren fucks into him more erraticly. “Love you so fucking much.”

Then, he bites down on Chris’ collarbone and releases into the condom, letting go of Chris’ cock and collapsing onto his body. The key juts into a spot high on his chest as he comes back to himself, and he smiles, petting the back of Darren’s sweaty neck.

 _Love you, too,_ Chris thinks.

“Well, I don’t think I need that hotel I booked just in case,” Chris says lightly instead.

“Fuck, no,” Darren replies, soothing over the spot where he bit down. “Wait, maybe you might. Don’t wanna annoy the roomies with all our loud reunion sex and give them more stories.”

“Hmm. Maybe you’ll top the Chocolate Sauce Incident from college.”

Darren pulls out of Chris, slipping the condom off, and chucking it somewhere on the floor. 

“Nothing can top the Chocolate Sauce Incident, Christopher,” he answers with a mischievous glint in his eyes.

“Oh, yeah?” Chris flips them so he’s on top once again. “I think you just issued me a challenge, Mr. Criss, one that I fully accept.”

“Ah, the last name treatment. _Shit,”_ Darren curses as Chris mouths at his jaw. “Must mean serious business.”

“I _always_ mean serious business. You have so much to learn about me,” Chris tells him between kisses to Darren’s neck.

“Well, I, for one, cannot wait.”

**

Chris awakens first and stretches his sore muscles.

After a long, _amazing_ shower, and a couple of proper blowjobs later, they had finally fallen asleep.

This time, Chris doesn’t regret a single second. His breath catches as he watches Darren, who’s fast asleep, lying with his stomach flat against the mattress and his head turned toward Chris.

As he watches Darren’s eyelashes flutter against his cheeks and the peaceful smile gracing his face, he hopes to be afforded this sight much more often, if not for the rest of his life.

Chris lies on his side and grins, tracing Darren’s spine with his fingers.

Darren blinks awake, still smiling. “Hi.”

“Hi,” Chris greets him.

“Morning, baby.”

“Good morning.”

“Mmm, it _is_ a very good morning.” Darren glances down at his lips and scoots his body closer. “Am I fucking dreaming?”

“No, I think I am. It’s been so long since the last time. Now that we’re here, I feel like if you touch me again, I'm going to dissolve or something. It doesn’t feel real.”

Darren turns on his side to face Chris, his bright hazel eyes shining in the early morning light.

“Chris,” he sharply inhales, cupping his cheek. “It is real, and if it isn’t, I don’t wanna wake up.” Darren kisses him, soft and brief, as if he had been doing it every morning for years.

Chris’ own eyes well up as Darren pulls away and asks in a low voice, “Still in one piece?”

“Yeah, ’m still here.”

Darren presses closer, their legs tangling together. “Good, ‘cause I like having you here.”

“I like being here.”

Chris can’t resist kissing him again, a little longer this time; it tastes like home, like Chris is finally where he should have been all along.

Darren takes a deep breath as they part and then he speaks, somberness lacing his voice. “Y’know, after you didn’t show up in Italy, I kept having these strange dreams where I was standing on a train platform, waiting for you, but the train you were supposed be on didn’t stop. It just zoomed past me. I tried to run after it, but it disappeared into the horizon like it didn’t exist. Then, suddenly I was on the bridge, where we put our locks, and I watched it slowly crumble underneath my feet. I always woke up, dripping with sweat and--and shaking so hard. And you weren’t there. At some point, I looked up online that they took the locks off the bridge, dismantled the whole fucking thing. It was like you never existed, except for this.”

Darren looks down at the key around his neck, his fingers brushing it reverently.

“But now you’re--you’re back,” Darren murmurs, tears falling down his face. “You’re mine again.”

Chris rubs his thumb along Darren’s cheek, wiping away the tears. “I am back, and I’m not leaving. I’m yours, always.”

“Fuck, I love you, Chris.”

Chris’ heart bursts with so much affection that he _has_ to say it back this time.

“I love you, too, Darren. I have almost since I met you.”

Darren kisses Chris again, rolling on top of him and grinding against him. Then, Darren kisses his neck and reaches between them, his rough grip wrapping around both their cocks as much as he can.

“Unhh, Dare. Yess,” Chris moans.

The touch is a little dry, but combined with the emotions welling up in his chest, it feels just right.

“So fucking beautiful. So perfect,” Darren whispers almost to himself between kisses, and then his mouth latches onto Chris’ neck, _hard._

Darren keeps sucking on that spot as he continues to jerk them off, while Chris’ hands wander down Darren’s lower back and then squeeze his ass.

Darren bites down and strokes them faster, until they’re both fully hard.

“Love you,” Chris breathes out as he feels the familiar heat stirring low in his belly, but he holds off a little longer until he feels Darren spilling hot onto his skin.

Then, Chris releases, too, with a curse and Darren’s name on his lips.

Darren lies on top of him, still lazily sucking on Chris’ neck.

“I don’t wanna ever move from this spot,” Chris declares.

“You kinda can’t,” Darren teases, lapping at Chris’ neck. “I won’t let you, babe.”

“Oh, so now I’m your prisoner?”

Darren looks up at him with a smirk. “I didn’t hear you complaining just now.”

“Because I’m not sick of you yet.”

“Meaning you will be?”

“Mmm, maybe.” Chris laughs as Darren nuzzles his jaw. “But we do need to eventually eat something, Dare.”

“Huh, guess you’re right, but after that, you’re not leaving my bed for the foreseeable future.”

Chris’ heart drops, because he doesn’t want to think about how he eventually has to go back to L.A., without Darren.

“Sounds good,” Chris gulps.

“Hey, something wrong?” Darren asks then, his soft hazel eyes full of concern.

“No. I just really love you.”

“Well, I just really love you, too.”

Darren smiles and kisses him briefly.

“Now that you mention it, I am famished,” Darren continues. “I'll take you out to this great little place I know.”

“I have a better idea. Do you remember that thing you made with Alexandra back in Italy?”

“You mean _fette biscottate?”_

Mmm, the way that Italian term rolls off of his tongue just as beautifully as it always has. His stomach flutters at the memory of Darren approaching him in the hotel’s restaurant, flour streaked across his face as he leaned in and kissed Chris.

“Mhmm,” Chris murmurs against Darren’s lips. “Did you get the recipe?”

“Um, it might be buried in a drawer somewhere, but yeah, I think I do, actually. Why?”

Chris strokes the side of Darren’s face and grins. “We could make it together.”

Darren’s eyes light up with affection as he smiles back. “Kicking off our future with a blast from the past? I like it. ’Course we’ll have to buy half the stuff, but--”

“It’ll be worth it,” Chris finishes and kisses him. 

Darren agrees, and with another kiss he’s off to shower and get ready to go.

Chris sighs happily, flopping against the bed.

This trip couldn’t have started off any better.

**

Once Darren finds the crumpled recipe in Alexandra’s handwriting and they make a list of what they need, they head to the supermarket to gather the ingredients.

It all feels so warm and domestic already that Chris wonders how he’ll say goodbye to this again. They awkwardly board the metro, hands full of groceries and when Darren scrunches his nose in a laugh, Chris just has to kiss him, regardless of who may or may not be watching.

“I always wanted to make it for you again one day,” Darren quietly explains when they part.

“What?”

“I asked for the recipe ’cause I was hoping I’d get to make it for you again one day.”

Darren’s eyelashes flutter shyly and Chris’ heart swells with such love for this man that he can’t even stop himself from saying it.

“I love you so much.”

“Love you, too, baby.”

They kiss once more and make the trek back to Darren’s place in one piece, thankfully not dropping any of the more fragile items.

After they realize they have to look up the American measurements of everything and Darren figures out how to translate the recipe, they make a huge mess in the kitchen.

Darren smears flour on Chris’ face and Chris cracks an egg on Darren’s head in return.

“It’s good for your hair,” Chris teases. “It’s not like we need all the eggs anyway.”

When Darren frowns, Chris kisses it away and offers to wash Darren’s hair out in the kitchen sink while the dough rests.

Darren has other plans, though, and after getting clean, and slightly distracted, in the shower, they finally start cooking their food. Chris is glad that they don’t burn it while they make out against the kitchen counter.

As Chris carefully takes it out, Darren curses under his breath.

“What?” Chris asks, eyebrows drawing together in confusion.

“Babe, we have to let this rest until tomorrow, or at least twelve hours.”

Chris sighs disappointedly, but comes up behind Darren and wraps his arms around Darren’s middle. “It’s okay. The thought was there. I’ll still be here tomorrow.”

Darren smiles hopefully when he turns his head toward Chris. “You will?”

“Of course.” Chris pecks him on the lips, and reminds him, “Hey, now you can take me to that place you were talking about, and we have something for tomorrow’s breakfast.”

“You’re so smart. I knew I fell for you for a reason.”

“You’re damn right I am. Let’s go.”

**

Joe catches Chris and Darren first, as they’re kissing some more by the kitchen sink while cleaning up their mess, but surprisingly, he doesn’t grumble and instead congratulates the pair on their reunion.

After Darren puts a pot of coffee on for him and Joey, and leaves a note warning them not to touch Darren and Chris’ creation, Darren takes him out to the diner. Chris suggests they head to his hotel after that, so he can check out and bring his stuff to Darren’s apartment.

Once they reach the diner, they share flirty glances across the booth and the waitress even comments on what a great couple they make. Once they order and she leaves, Darren raises his eyebrows and holds out his open hand across the tabletop.

“She did say how cute we were,” Darren says with a smirk.

Chris can’t help taking his hand, long past caring who might see them. He’s no longer the boy he was four years ago, who blushed at the mere possibility of a guy like Darren touching him.

His face does flush a little, however, when Darren’s thumb rubs the back of his hand and he remembers how those intimately acquainted he is with those fingers now.

Darren grins at him, hazel eyes alight with affection. “God, you’re still so fucking adorable, babe. Remind me why we’re not in my bed still.”

“Pancakes, then bed.” Chris smirks. “Maybe I can show you a few more things that I wanna try.”

“Sounds like a plan that I am totally down for.” He smiles and then brings their joined hands to his lips. “Speaking of plans, how long are you staying?”

Chris fidgets in his seat awkwardly, not ready to discuss the future yet after their glorious reunion. “I--I’m really not sure. With the, um, _the ex,_ moving all his stuff out, I’m not exactly eager to be around there, y’know.”

“It’s okay. You can say his name. I won’t break, Chris. He was a big part of your life,” Darren says soberly, his grip on Chris’ hand relaxing.

“I know. You are, too. That’s why I’m here, again.” Chris smiles. 

Darren smiles back and Chris feels the warmth radiating throughout his body.

“Anyway,” Chris continues, “I should probably get back before Brian forgets who I am.”

Darren shoots him a quizzical look. “I’m sorry. What?”

“I adopted a cat named Brian. My friend’s watching him while I’m away.”

Darren frowns, pulling his hand away as the waitress returns with their food.

Chris misses him already.

“I don’t think I ever told you this,” Darren tells him after swallowing down a forkful of pancakes, “but I’m allergic to cats.”

“Oh, poor baby. So you’re _not_ perfect?”

“I’m sorry. Did I spoil your illusion?”

Chris stares at Darren, scarfing down his food, with syrup dripping from the corner of his mouth. It only serves to remind Chris of their very first meal together in Italy, and the tomato sauce on Darren’s face that Chris just wanted to kiss away.

Now he can.

“Not quite yet,” Chris answers. “I love you, y’know.”

“Love you, too.” Regrettably, Darren wipes his face then. “Didn’t take the bait fast enough, yet again. You snooze, you lose.”

“I’ll make up for it later, Dare.” 

“I’m sure you will,” Darren replies, voice deliciously low.

**

Chris definitely does, and then some.

After picking up his stuff from the hotel, they settle into Darren’s bed, barely leaving it for almost two days.

Not that Chris is complaining though; he’s been waiting _years_ for this. Now Darren is naked next to him and finally his.

As the cool Chicago sun beams into Darren’s bedroom on the second morning, Chris wakes with a start, realizing he’s been so wrapped up in rediscovering Darren that he’s barely checked his messages.

He reaches over to the nightstand to grab his phone, and what he sees doesn’t surprise him. He scrolls through a few photos of Brian, sent by Melissa, and his heart swells at his baby.

Despite Brian’s extreme bitchiness at times, Chris _really_ misses him.

He didn’t tell Darren, but it kind of wounded him when he told him about his cat allergy. Dreams of the three of them as a happy little family were a bit dashed.

There’s pills for that stuff, though, right?

Chris also finally checks his e-mails and Teresa is on his ass about rescheduling the meetings for the _Struck by Lightning_ film.

 _“You can’t avoid this forever,”_ she writes.

She’s right.

No matter how much he loves spending every waking minute in Darren’s bed, Chris knows he has to get back to his real life eventually.

Speaking of real life, Chris thinks he should probably shower.

He squirms out from under Darren’s arm, but his movement is denied as Darren just tightens his grip around him.

Chris almost lets out an affectionate “aww” at his adorable sex hair and pouty lips. It’s also nice to see Darren look so peaceful, especially for a man that’s always moving.

He tries again to snake an arm between he and Darren, attempting not to bump against him and wake up.

He fails though.

“Mmm...Christopher…” Darren purrs his name sleepily, his eyes still shut.

Is he dreaming?

The thought causes Chris to melt into the duvet cover.

This could be fun.

 _“Dare,”_ Chris whispers, suddenly feeling a surge of desire in his veins. “Don’t stop, baby. I need you inside me.”

Chris observes Darren’s lip twitch into a smile.

“Come back to me. Don’t leave.” Darren pouts.

Chris caves and lets out a clear bubble of schoolgirl giggles. He playfully tugs at Darren’s curls, and then kisses him. Darren gasps, waking up fully at the contact.

Guess he doesn’t mind the action though by the way his arm tightens around Chris and how he not-so-gently squeezes his hip. In the process, Darren rolls onto his back, pulling Chris on top of him.

“You are a fucking tease,” Darren says grumpily.

Chris smiles.

“Was I a tease in your dream?”

“Oh, no. You were _easy.”_ Darren puts extra emphasis on the last word he says. “You’re always easy in my dreams.”

Chris blinks at him momentarily, then says, “What does ‘easy’ Chris do in these dreams?”

“Me,” Darren says matter-of-factly.

It’s then that Chris feels Darren half-hard against him, and desire sparks deeper.

“Normal me has been doing that a lot recently. That not good enough?” Chris growls and presses himself against the grinning man beneath him, eager for the friction.

“Is this my shirt?” Darren says, trying to change the subject.

Chris looks down to see the yellow 'University of Michigan’ logo and smiles.

Oh, how he loves this shirt.

“This ‘ol thing? I have one at home.”

Darren’s eyes almost leap out of his head and then his mouth falls open in awe. “You held onto the one I gave you?”

Smiling sweetly, Chris admits, “Of course I did. I wore it all the time that first year. It made me think of you.”

The sentiment must’ve gotten to him because he leans in and brushes his lips against Chris’ neck.

Not so fast.

Chris still wants to play.

So he backs away after cupping Darren’s face in his hands, his fingertips lightly grazing over his five o’clock shadow.

“Have you ever thought about me when you were alone?”

Darren appears unfazed by his question, trying to play it cool. Unfortunately for him, Chris can still feel Darren’s arousal beneath him.

“Mmm,” Darren groans in appreciation.

That’s not good enough, Chris thinks. So he drags his pointer finger along his top and bottom lip.

“I hope you pretend it’s me when you touch yourself.” Chris leans down and kisses _that_ spot under his earlobe. Then he whispers in his ear, “I always think of you. I moan your name, and pretend it’s you. It’s always you.”

The all-knowing smile is still on Darren’s face, but Chris notices it fading a little.

Grabbing Darren’s hands, Chris pulls them above his head and begins to kiss Darren’s throat. “Don’t move.” Chris demands into his neck.

Darren takes a deep steadying breath then says, “Chris, I can’t touch you like this.”

Chris smiles into his neck. “That’s the point, sweetheart.”

After failing to break free, Darren groans loudly in frustration.

“Fine. You win. What now?”

Chris removes his lips from Darren’s neck and goes back to look at him. Darren’s eyes are cool and dark.

It’s hot.

“Chris, let me touch you, please.”

Looking over his body, Chris has a new idea.

“If you can go the next five minutes without touching me, you’ll get a special prize.”

Darren appears to be thinking it over. When he finally nods, Chris lets go of his hands, and automatically moves, his back now pressed against Darren’s propped-up knees. Looking Darren deep in his eyes, Chris knows if he’s going to do this, he has to go all in.

So he reaches down and wraps his surprisingly steady fingers around himself and starts to stroke. Darren’s eyes almost pop out of his head again, then Chris feels Darren’s entire body jerk.

Never letting his eyes look away, Chris stays focus on his task of teasing Darren. In the process, he sees Darren’s cock twitch in front of him as Darren takes his bottom lip between his teeth.

Chris continues to slowly stroke himself from the base to the head. When a bit of precome bubbles up, he leans down and smears it on Darren’s cock.

That’s apparently Darren’s undoing, because he starts to sit up.

But Chris holds his hand out.

“Ah, ah, ah,” Chris chides. “You wanna lose?”

Darren collapses back onto the bed again, and pouts even bigger. 

Chris smiles and returns to stroking himself. “What’s wrong? You want to touch me or something?”

“Chris,” Darren warns. “Hasn’t it been five minutes already?”

“Oh shit. I forgot to keep time.” Chris shrugs. “Guess we’ll have to start over.”

Darren sits up again and yanks Chris’ hand from around himself. Chris fake gasps as if he’s done nothing wrong.

“I’m gonna go take a shower now,” Chris announces, all but running to the bathroom, which is thankfully unoccupied. 

The last thing Darren’s roommates want to see is him wearing _just_ a t-shirt. Once inside, he locks the door, hearing Darren run down the hallway to catch him.

The door swings open anyway, though, the doorknob slamming into the wall.

“What the hell? I thought I locked that.”

“It only works if you bump up against the door after locking it.” Darren does just that and then wiggles the knob to show that it’s secure.

That naked bastard.

Darren drapes his arm around Chris’ waist and presses a loud smooch to his neck.

“Mmm, this is better.”

Before Chris can reply, Darren’s lips are on his and he nudges his tongue into Chris’ mouth. As they keep kissing, Chris feels Darren reaching under his thighs, and then suddenly, Chris is being lifted up off the ground. Distracted by Darren’s mouth, it takes Chris a moment to realize he's getting carried into the shower.

 _Fuck, he’s stronger than I thought,_ Chris thinks.

While kissing him, Chris puts all his trust in Darren and removes his hands from around Darren’s neck. When he proves he can hold Chris without any problem, Chris brings his hands to his shirt, tugging it off and flinging it over the shower curtain.

Chris jumps in his arms when he feels the ice cold water on his back.

When did he turn the water on?

“Darren, it’s freezing!”

“It takes a second for the water to warm up, babe,” Darren explains, his lips brushing Chris’ shoulder.

Then Darren further distracts Chris with his mouth, shifting them so Darren is under the water as it warms up slowly. When Chris’ feet touch the floor, he’s finally able to take a look at the beautiful man before him. It’s like in slow motion as he watches the water rolls down Darren’s muscled arms and trim torso. 

It takes his breath away, like it always has.

“I don’t know if I’ve said this enough, but you are so fucking hot,” Chris confesses quietly.

Reaching a hand between them, Chris wraps his fingers around Darren’s cock. Darren’s head falls to Chris’ shoulder weakly, as if he’s made boneless by the touch. The water is perfectly hot now and it’s a weird, arousing sensation that Chris didn’t think was possible.

“Fuck, that feels so good,” Darren murmurs.

At his words, Chris drops to his knees and takes Darren in his mouth, Darren’s thighs clenching up in response. Looking up, Chris smiles around his cock as the beads of water splash down his chest and abs.

As Chris takes more of him in his mouth, he isn’t surprised at the series of cuss words that leave Darren’s mouth.

Looks like Chris isn’t the only one who has a way with words.

“Ahh, fuck, shit, Chris, gentle.”

Regardless of his request, Darren pushes Chris deeper, taking him all in. He hears Darren hit the wall of the shower as he helplessly, half-heartedly thrusts his hips. Now he’s all the way in and Chris is thankful for his lack of gag reflexes. When his jaw starts to sting a little, he switches things up and slowly licks the large vein on Darren’s cock.

“Mmm, Chris, I was so close,” he mumbles with a grunt.

Darren pulls Chris off his knees and slams their lips together, unleashing his tongue and forcing Chris against the cold wall away from the shower head. Darren delves in deep as if he’s desperately searching for something and it leaves Chris short-winded as they break apart.

“Don’t leave me again,” Darren almost pleads, panting and resting his wet forehead against Chris’ own.

Chris is so blissfully happy that he can’t even begin to comprehend what Darren’s words really mean until he says, “I’m serious. I can’t leave your side again, _ever.”_

Darren looks deep into his eyes, his face serious, and Chris knows.

Time.

With them, it always goes back to how much time they do or don’t have together.

“How long do you want me to stay in Chicago?” Chris asks, his voice softer.

Darren arches his brow, and his mouth quirks into a coy smile.

“Forever sounds good to me.”

That’s it.

Chris is done for.

Tears swim in his eyes and it’s all he can do not to burst out crying. He fails though, because not soon after that, tears spill down his face, lost in the stream of water from the shower.

Then a memory pops into Chris’ head and he laughs.

“This is the second time you’ve made me cry while I’ve been in a bath or shower with you.”

Darren raises an eyebrow questioningly, but then it’s like a lightbulb goes off and he grins, all teeth showing.

“Oh, _that._ I apparently get emotional when I shower. Who knew?”

Despite the laughter, tears still trickle down his cheeks, but they don’t go far, with Darren making it his mission to kiss them away. Once his cheeks are dry, Chris leans forward for another kiss. 

“I am so glad you found me.” Chris whispers earnestly, putting his hand to his chest. “My heart stayed with you, even when I didn’t want it to.”

Then apparently it’s Darren’s turn to cry, tears pooling in his hazel eyes.

“Mine, too. You are my future, Chris. I could never let you go,” Darren admits, taking Chris’ hand and intertwining their fingers. 

“Oh, Darren,” Chris sobs.

The mood shifts again, Chris suddenly wanting to make Darren his in a way that he’s been craving but has yet to act on.

Darren’s pelvis rocks against his and Chris throws his head back in response. He kisses Chris, leading them back toward the shower head, which is surprisingly still spouting out hot water. Then when Chris’ back finally hits the wall, Darren grabs his hands and places them above his head, water droplets flying everywhere.

“Look who’s in control now, baby,” Darren utters against his lips. “Hmm, what to do with you now. Should I make you beg?”

His words send shocks through Chris’ body, and as he feels his own cock stirring, an idea that he’s tried not to entertain pops into his head

That’s too much.

Or is it?

Chris doesn’t know if it’s the ever so loving way Darren’s currently staring at him or his words from before, but he says:

“Will you let me, uh–will you let me...?” Chris struggles, hoping Darren can read his mind since he can’t seem to utter the words.

“Oh, that. The one thing we _haven’t_ done yet,” he breathes as he buries his nose in his hair.

Chris flushes, embarrassed and awkward. Then Darren’s face transforms, and his light smile appears as if he’s relieved.

“Hell yes,” he pants.

_Wait, what?_

Chris squints. “Really? You sure? Have you–”

“No, but you--” Darren interrupts. “You are the one I want to share this with, Chris.”

Chris knows he should say something, probably something romantic and profound, but he doesn’t.

Maybe he doesn’t need to.

Instead, he attacks his neck in kisses.

“Ahh, how-how do you wanna do this?” Darren asks.

“However you want,” Chris mutters against his neck.

“This shower rod is really sturdy. We should be fine. H-hold on.” 

Chris pulls out and Darren leans out of the shower to reach in a small drawer in the vanity. He returns, setting two foil packets on top of the toilet.

“You guys keep condoms _and_ lube in the bathroom?”

Darren shrugs. “We’re pervs, alright? You never know when the urge will strike.”

Chris is almost disgusted, but then he remembers who Darren’s roommates are. He probably shouldn’t be shocked.

Chris quickly open the small pack of lube and rubs it between his fingertips.

“I love you so much,” Chris murmurs, pressing a finger inside and brushing his lips along the crook of his neck. “Thank you for letting me do this.”

When Chris starts moving, Darren scrunches his face, but assures him, “Ahh. I told you, I-I want this. Want you. I’ve thought about it so much. I--”

Chris pulls back to look at him, Darren’s expression a mixture of pain and pleasure already.

“Yeah?” Chris stares, still working him open.

Darren nods solemnly. “M-more, please.”

Chris swallows, pulling out a little and adding another finger. This time, he presses in deeper.

“Ahhh, fuck, Chris. Feels so good. Need you.”

“Just a little more, sweetheart.” Chris kisses his cheek gently, reluctantly dragging his fingers out for a short moment to make room for a third.

Then, Darren cries out again, louder than before.

He must have hit that spot.

Chris takes a deep breath, crooking his fingers a few more times. “Soon, Dare.”

Then he pulls out fully, his fingers shaking, with Darren so open and vulnerable before him. He hasn’t let himself think about this moment in a long time, burying it away when he promised his heart to Levi.

Now that it’s finally here, tears well up in his eyes once again.

Darren must sense Chris’ renewed wave of emotions because he takes Chris’ face in his hands and looks at him.

“Chris, baby. It’s okay. I’m yours, I promise. Yours, always. It’ll be fine.”

Chris pecks him on the lips and murmurs, “O-okay.”

With that, Chris rips open the condom and rolls it on. Then he strokes himself a couple times, letting his nerves propel him.

Darren responds by wrapping his legs around Chris’ waist eagerly.

“Slide down at your own pace. No rush.” Chris runs his hand up and down his back.

He watches as Darren grabs a hold of the shower rod and comes down on Chris’ cock slowly. Not surprisingly, Darren is still tight around him despite prepping, so much so that Chris winces at the friction. He takes multiple deep breaths to stop from coming too fast and focuses his attention on Darren, who has his eyes shut.

“You okay, sweetie?”

Darren doesn’t speak, but just nods when he lowers himself further.

“Slowly, Darren.”

“I’m alright, babe. I want this,” he whispers, his voice raw.

After a beat, Darren speeds up, Chris moans, and that pattern continues. The rhythm is unyielding, taking Chris off guard.

“Aargh. _Fuck,_ this feels--damn.” Darren tries unsuccessfully to string words together, but babbles on. “Harder. Fuck, Chris. _Harder.”_

Chris feels tightness in his belly when he finally meets Darren’s movements. He thrusts on and on and Chris literally sees Darren quiver above him, a mixture of sweat and water gathering on Darren’s face.

“I love you so fucking much, ahh,” Darren groans, pulling out and moving slowly back onto Chris, circling his hips repeatedly.

“Holy. Shit. Love you too,” Chris murmurs between each thrusts.

As Darren continues to roll his hips over and over again, Chris starts to fall apart, his body convulsing, and then Darren does two more quick thrusts and Chris is gone. Chris comes with a shout, and vaguely registers the shower rod squeaking, but he couldn’t care less whether or not it breaks. He reaches around Darren to stroke him and not soon after Darren stills, spilling over Chris’ hand. Then, the shower rod snaps and the two of them nearly fall in the slippery shower.

“Oh my God,” Chris shouts, steadying himself and Darren.

Then, they hear a banging on the door.

“Hey, you guys okay in there?”

It’s Joey, and Chris wants to die.

They’ve been caught.

**

“You notice how there are only couples in the shower rod aisle?” Darren whispers when they take a much-needed trip to Ikea to replace the shower rod, and the curtain, after that.

Chris can’t help imagining running errands like this back in California, with Darren by his side.

“What are you trying to say?” Chris quips down at him.

Darren grins like he’s about to do something bad.

“It means we aren’t the only ones who broke a shower rod with _special_ activities.” Darren puts his hand in Chris’ back right pocket and pinches his butt. 

Chris squeals.

“You are bad. Very, _very_ bad.”

Ever since their shower they haven’t been able to keep their hands off of each other. It’s like the floodgates had opened up. It’s taking everything in Chris not to take him in the shower rod aisle, but he settles for a kiss.

A kiss that apparently takes Darren by surprise.

“Gotten better at PDA, I see? I like it.” Darren pecks his lips again, a little more forcefully.

Someone clears their throat next to them and Chris gives a judgemental eye to the older couple next to them.

Get over it, grandma.

Darren blushes. “Sorry.”

He takes Chris’ hand and leads them to the other side of the aisle where the shower curtains are.

“How about this one?” Darren picks up a clear shower curtain and Chris frowns.

“Unless you’re in an ‘80s horror movie, there’s no need for a clear shower curtain,” Chris admits. “My shower curtain at home is blue.”

Darren rolls his eyes. “Of course it is. That’s your favorite color.”

Laughing, Chris’ hearts swells. It’s stupid, but he loves that Darren knows little tidbits like that about him. He snorts at the fact that it took Levi a year to discover that he’s allergic to peanuts.

Chris definitely made the right choice.

Darren picks up a plain black and white checkered shower curtain, and Chris nods in approval.

“That’s better,” he says, taking Darren’s hand in his and walking to the shower rods. “Why didn’t the two Josephs come pick one out and pay for it? Not like you’ll be getting much use out of it.”

“What do you mean?”

Can of worms, Colfer.

Chris withdraws his hand impulsively, embarrassed and suddenly trapped. He didn’t exactly want to have this conversation next to Martha Stewart’s brand of silver shower rods.

What can he say?

_“Darren, I want you to leave everything you know and come live with me in California. You can make it as a singer-songwriter and I can continue writing books and we can live happily ever after on a hilltop overlooking the ocean.”_

That’s crazy.

“Chris, tell me.” Darren presses for an answer.

Blinking up at him, his mind wanders to that beautiful daydream and he wants it more than ever, but he’s not going to get it unless he comes clean.

But Chris shrugs, and tells a half-truth instead. “I just figured you would come out to California eventually.” 

_And permanently,_ Chris thinks, and by eventually, he means in a few days.

Darren laughs, and then takes a deep breath. “God, you scared the shit outta me. Of course. I’ll visit you every chance I can get before you find a way here.”

Here?

Chicago?

_Oh, no._

“Gotcha.” Chris concedes.

“What is it, babe?” Darren wonders with concern.

“Oh, nothing,” Chris lies, fingers stroking one of the shiny rods.

“It’s not nothing. I can tell ’cause you won’t look at me.”

Chris sighs and looks over at him. “What about this one?” He asks, gesturing toward a chrome-colored rod.

Darren grits his teeth. “It’s fine.”

“You look mad,” Chris observes, already knowing the answer.

At the checkout line Darren doesn’t say anything for a few beats, then cocks his head to one side, sighs and shakes his head.

“I know you’ll tell me what’s upsetting you eventually.” Darren places the item on the conveyor belt. “I gotta learn not to push you and give you the benefit of the doubt.”

Just like that the fight is over. It’s rational, so logical that it’s annoying, but Chris lets it go, refraining from igniting another fight.

“Thanks. You’re a good boyfriend for trying to understand me.” Chris bumps his shoulder. Then the blood drains from his face when he realizes what he said. 

_Boyfriend?_

“Of course, boyfriend.” Darren says, completely unfazed by the labels.

Boyfriends it is.

**

 _“Boyfriend,_ can you pass me the hammer?”

Darren thinks he’s funny.

Ever since they’ve gotten back from Ikea, Darren has said the word ‘boyfriend’ about a half a dozen times, if not more.

Grabbing the hammer, Chris lightly taps Darren’s butt before giving it to him. 

Darren sticks out his tongue and squints a smile at him.

Chris knows they’re acting nauseatingly adorable, but he doesn’t care. He’s just glad the tension between them is gone, for now at least.

Darren slams a few nails in the wall, and then says, “You gonna help me with this or just sit there and look pretty, _pretending_ to read the instructions?” 

“I am totally,” Chris holds up the oversized instructions. “Totally reading them, I swear. I’m just making sure you’re doing it right.”

Snatching the paper from him, Darren laughs. “You’re reading the French instructions?”

Chris blushes. “Oh, I didn’t tell you about my time in Paris,” he pronounces the city in a French accent. “I met a beautiful French boy and we spent an amazing week together.”

“Oh, did you?” Darren surveys Chris, up and down. “You hussy.”

“You’re ridiculous.” Chris snorts with laughter.

Chris continues to watch Darren put up the new shower curtain and he feels like a housewife ogling over the maintenance man.

He’s hot, wearing a white tank that hugs his muscles in all the right place. 

When Darren’s done with his handiwork, Chris offers to make him lunch. Then it’s Darren’s turn to leer at Chris like a piece of meat. Once Chris is done in the kitchen, he sits across from Darren at his tiny kitchen table.

It’s little moments like these that Chris is going to memorize and put in his suitcase for later. The idea brings him back to two young boys trying to absorb every ounce of each other because they didn’t know when, or if, they would ever see each other again.

Suddenly, all the angst and heartbreak from four years ago hits him like a ton of bricks. His heart constricts as he remembers the curly-haired guy who promised him things he’d only dreamt of.

He can’t do this again.

“Darren, I think that if this is going to work, you should consider moving to California.”

Chris takes a deep breath.

There it is.

It’s finally out there.

Darren stops in the middle of chewing his sandwich. Then he swallows it down with a huge gulp of water, nearly choking.

“Do you now?” His tone is mildly mocking.

“I--Yes. Yes I think that,” Chris stutters, trying for nonconfrontational. He can’t handle another argument. He’s already exhausted.

“Let’s think about it logically,” he starts. “There’s nothing _really_ tying you down here, is there? You told me that you guys aren’t working on the new musical right now and I know your main goal is to put out an album. What better place to do that than in L.A.?”

“L.A. _is_ the ideal place for most artists,” Darren acquiesces.

“Exactly! You are _so_ talented, babe. Record labels are already throwing themselves at you. I don’t understand why you haven’t signed a contract already.”

“So, you want me to just move to California and live in the house that you shared with your now-ex boyfriend?” His mood darkens and Chris is grasping to take back control of the conversation.

Shaking his head, Chris mutters. “Of course not. I was thinking maybe we could look for a house together, one that would be _ours.”_

Darren’s gaze softens for a second, but then he grits his teeth. “With whose money? Yours, right? And what happens after that? I sit home and struggle creatively while you write your next bestseller?”

“You’re always so dramatic. You--You can have your own studio.”

“I don’t--” Darren pinches the bridge of his nose and sighs. “I just want you. That’s all I’ve ever wanted, Chris.”

“So, come with me. Follow your dreams.”

“You mean follow you. Well, I’ve been doing that for the past four years, and guess what? I’m tired of it. Why can’t you support what _I_ want?” Darren’s voice rises sharply.

“I am. I’m trying to help you here,” he tries softly, pulling out a chair to sit.

But Darren shoots out of his chair and turns away, standing in front of the sink. “You want me to abandon everything I’ve built here. I can’t do that.”

Chris moves to stand behind him. “You can still work with Starkid while you work on the album. There’s technology--”

“It wouldn’t be the same.”

“Exactly. It wouldn’t.” Chris stands beside him, trying to make him see. “You’re still scared. Change is scary. Moving forward is scary. I know. I’ve done it enough times. But it can be good.”

Darren’s hands grip the sink tightly, and then he spins to face Chris. “Oh, is that why you keep avoiding the movie deal? Because change is so damn good?”

He knows Darren is probably right, but he gets defensive anyway. “Really? You’re turning this around on me?”

“This whole thing is about you. It’s always been about you.”

“What the hell? I didn’t make you come to my book signing, just like I didn’t make you sit with me on that train.”

Chris wishes he could take it back the moment he says it because even with all the heartache, he could never regret their relationship. He realizes it’s too late for that though, as he watches Darren’s face crumble.

“Are you saying you wish you never met me?” Darren asks him in a voice so small and defeated. 

“No. I--No--” Chris reaches for his hand but stops mid-air.

“It’s fine. I get the message loud and clear,” he fires back, racing out of the room.

Chris is left alone, staring at Darren’s half-eaten sandwich. He runs after him and is met with a shut door.

Oh, what a beautiful metaphor; he almost wants to laugh.

It’s like his whole life has been one shut door after another, but Chris had always been determined to break that shit down like a bulldozer. He did that with high school, college, the publishing industry, and Darren’s right - he could break through in film if he wasn’t so unsure of himself.

It’s been the same way regarding his relationship with Darren as well. He’s so unsure of where he stands with him that things like this happen.

Not again, though.

He taps slightly on Darren’s door and hears him childishly grunt, “Go away.”

Chris rolls his eyes. How can a grown man be this ridiculous?

Opening the door, he finds Darren in what’s probably his natural habitat, sitting Indian style with a guitar in his hands. _This_ is the man he loves, the artistic romantic who fights and loves hard.

“I love you,” Chris says, breaking the silence as he sits on the bed across from him. “You know that, right?”

Darren nods and starts plucking the strings on his guitar. It’s not a song really, just random notes. Then the sound comes more concrete and he says, “You wanna hear the first song I ever wrote about you?”

 _Is this where we’re going?_ Chris asks himself, but he doesn’t want to shake things up anymore so he simply grins and lightly pats Darren’s knee to urge him on.

 _“Now I know it ain’t easy, but it ain’t hard trying. Every time I see you smilin,’”_ Darren looks up at Chris, who is simply entranced by the performance. _“And I feel you so close to me, and you tell me: ‘Baby, you’re not alone, ‘cause you’re here with me.’”_

Chris isn’t sure what comes over him, but he stares at his knotted fingers and sings, _“And nothing’s ever gonna bring us down. ‘Cause nothin’ can keep me from lovin’ you.”_

He can’t look up at him, even when Darren stops playing.

They sit in silence for far too long.

 _I won’t be the first to speak,_ Chris thinks.

“Y-You know that song? How do you--?” Darren pauses and lets out a deep sigh. 

“I told you I kept up with you. Maybe more than I let on. I just couldn’t--couldn’t not know you. I tried to stay away, but--I _had_ to know you.”

When Chris finally decides to look up at him, he’s shocked that Darren doesn’t look angry, but rather contemplative.

Then he says, “Why didn’t you contact me?”

“I was scared,” he confesses, much to his own surprise. “I thought you had moved on. It was stupid. I should’ve told you before. I followed the musicals, and the progression of Starkid, _and_ your album that has my _favorite_ Darren Criss song on it that I always wished you wrote about me. Guess I’m glad to know I was right.”

“It’s my favorite, too,” Darren murmurs and reaches over to clasp Chris’ hand. “I’m not mad at you. Not really. It’s always been impossible for me to stay mad at you. I love you too fucking much.”

Chris has never heard Darren’s voice this low and laced with anxiety. It makes him squeeze his hand harder.

“I will never abandon you again, I promise,” Chris announces hoarsely, complete sincerity filling his heart. “Never, _ever,_ again.”

“I believe you.” Darren smiles reassuringly and hauls Chris into his arms for a much-needed kiss.

Chris knows they can’t get distracted though.

“About California…”

Darren presses his index finger against Chris’ lips. “I’ll go.”

 _“Darren,”_ Chris murmurs against his lips, an agonized expression on his face.

“I’m not going because of you, or us for that matter. I’m going because of me. You were right. I need a change.” Darren lets his fingers slip from Chris’ bottom lip. “I want to build a life with you.”

Chris gazes up at him adoringly. “I’d love that.” 

Darren raises an eyebrow. “Then, what are we waiting for?”

Chris laughs. “Well, we still have a lot to discuss. I mean, I want you to have a plan. I don’t want you to resent me down the road.”

The bed squeaks when Darren gets up and crosses the room, shuffling through some papers on the organized mess he calls a desk. 

Then he shouts ‘Aha!’ and flings a super thick stack of papers on the bed; he smiles as he picks it up and reveals the words “Sony Records” in big bold letters on the front page.

“So this has been just collecting dust on your desk?” Chris grins shamelessly. “How long have you had this?”

Darren shrugs. “This A&R guy at Sony has been bugging me and my agent for almost a year. My lawyer says the deal is on the up and up, but I _still_ couldn’t sign it. So after saying no a million times, he gave me that contract two weeks ago and said he’d give me a month to figure it out.”

“You sure about this?”

“I am. I really am,” he affirms, his face beaming undiluted joy. “I love my life here. I love my friends, and I love Chicago. But I’ve been avoiding the fact that I feel stuck.” Chris grabs Darren’s hand and pulls him onto the bed. Darren falls completely, resting his head on Chris’ shoulder. “I think I was using Starkid as a crutch.”

Chris frowns. “But you love Starkid. It’s like your baby.”

“It is.” He sighs and Chris is so close to him he can almost hear his heart beating out a steady rhythm. “Starkid is so much of what I am, but I want to be more. It’s okay to want more, right?”

“Of course. You deserve the world.” Chris kisses his head and not so secretly sniffs his hair. _This is heaven._

“My friends are going to hate me.” Darren laughs mockingly.

“Your friends already hate you, babe. Sorry to break it to you.” They both laugh. “Seriously, though, I’m sure they’ll be fine with it. They’re going to be _so proud_ of you. And, hey! You never know what this’ll do for the Starkid brand to come.”

Darren’s bright hazel eyes shine as he leans in and ever so delicately pecks Chris’ lips. 

“You’re so right, babe. You’re always right.”

“Then sign that sucker.” Chris reaches around Darren and grabs the contract. “Do it. Do it. Do it,” Chris chants.

Darren rises gracefully to his feet and grabs a pen for his desk. “Let’s fucking do this shit,” he declares enthusiastically.

Chris beams as Darren flips to the back page of the contract and signs on the dotted line. He runs his hand through the curls of his brave man. Chris wishes he could be more like that.

Once the work is done, Chris has never seen Darren _this_ proud of himself, and that’s saying something. When Darren crawls onto his lap, Chris’ mind shifts to other very important tasks. 

Chris’ whole body aches with the urge to touch him and he knows Darren can tell, but for some reason he suppresses it.

“No, no, no,” Darren chides, his eyes wide. “Not so fast. What about you?” 

Chris raises a brow and Darren continues. 

“The movie,” Darren clarifies with a knowing look. “I did something brave. Now _you_ do something brave.”

Can this man read his mind or something?

Chris shifts Darren off his lap. “You’re the brave one. I’m the logical one. You’re Elizabeth Bennet and I’m Mark Darcy.”

“Hey! Why do you get to be Colin Firth?” Darren asks, clearly perturbed.

Chris laughs out loud, recalling Darren’s parting letter to him all those years ago, where he compared himself to Mr. Darcy.

_My, how the tables have turned._

“Who wouldn’t want to be told they look good in a wet white shirt?”

“Point taken.” Darren holds up his hands in defeat, and then stares dreamily at him. “You would look amazing like that.” 

Chris reaches up, and immediately Darren steps back. 

“Since we’re talking about this, Chris, why haven’t you made the deal already?”

Chris blanches, feeling the blood rush from his head.

“I told you, I’m scared,” Chris finally answers, his voice coming out sharper than he had intended.

Darren is silent for a minute, and then he says in a soothing voice, “We both know that’s not the only reason.”

Chris takes a deep breath, feeling exposed. He thinks he’ll have to get used to Darren calling him out on his bullshit on a weekly (or more likely, daily) basis.

He swallows, admitting the whole truth.

“Okay,” Chris murmurs. “My luck is about to run out. It _has_ to. I’ve had two successful books and I finally got you. People don’t usually have all their dreams come true, Darren. This seems way too easy. _Something’s_ gotta give.”

He senses a grin on Darren’s face without even looking at him. 

“You always underestimate yourself.” Chris peeks up to see Darren’s huge boyish grin. “You’ve worked _so_ hard to get all that stuff. You’re not that kid from Clovis anymore, Chris. You’re gonna have to let him go, _now.”_

 _Not gonna cry,_ Chris repeats to himself, his heartbeat racing tenfold.

“Baby.” Darren’s tongue caresses the pet name, making Chris’ heart stutter. “You’re worth it. You are _so_ worth it and I cannot wait to be by your side when you conquer the world, because you will. You’re already halfway there.”

Chris takes his hand, eyes flitting across Darren’s face. Leaning forward to kiss him, Chris grasps Darren’s head with his hands, his fingers threading through his hair.

“You really think I can do this?” Chris says against his lips.

In response, Darren’s lips claim his once more, his tongue saying everything that needs to be said.

Chris throws caution to the wind then, laying Darren down as they continue to kiss. Inside, he’s melting. On the outside, he keeps his composure because he’s an adult, about to start an adult life with with his soulmate.

Yes, soulmate, because no matter how much Chris has tried to deny it, Darren has always been in his heart, and always will be.

He won’t look back anymore, but ahead, embarking on a beautiful adventure with Darren by his side once again.

Chris knows he’s a force all on his own, but he also knows that together they’ll be unstoppable.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Reblog?](http://dontfretbaby.tumblr.com/post/101608257217/fic-unlock-my-heart-crisscolfer-fic)


End file.
